Elon Musk Mulls Buying And Deleting Facebook

Sillycon Vallet, CA — Tech titan Elon Musk made global headlines when he deleted the official SpaceX and Tesla pages from Facebook. Musk clarified he did so because Facebook gives him “the willies.

Today, Musk announced that he has reached out to Facebook and offered to buy every share of the company, effectively making him the sole owner of the social media platform. Musk spoke to a gathering of SpaceX and Tesla investors and told the group even though he has deep misgivings about the site. He’d “do humanity a favor” and buy it.

“I’ve got some cash to burn, so if Zuck wants to make a deal, he knows where to find me,” Musk told investors. “I’d make him a fair offer.”

Musk then showed a PowerPoint presentation that detailed in great length what his plan for Facebook would be.

“You know, when I told some close confidantes about my idea, they all wanted to know what I’d do with Facebook,” Musk explained. “And as much as I know people like to use it as the Internet’s premier ex-girlfriend or boyfriend stalking platform, I think I have a much better solution, and I mean better for the species, if not our entire planet.”

Musk showed the investors an animated video that detailed his plans for Facebook in the room. The video shows a SpaceX Falcon rocket blasting off into the sky. At one point, the two solid boosters fall off and glide on a precise path down to the landing pad. Both rockets land perfectly square, and one ends up resting gently on a big red button labeled “DELETE.”

“And you can see that the second side booster would press the delete button,” Musk said. “Which would send a proton torpedo down the exhaust port of Facebook’s headquarters, triggering a chain reaction that should destroy the platform.”

Cheers erupted in the room. Chants of “Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck! Fuck Zuck!” reverberated throughout the building, growing so loud it drowned out the sound of the ocean’s waves at every beach on the planet. Finally, musk stepped away from the podium he was speaking from, raised his arms in the air in triumph, and took in the adulation from everyone in the room. This story is developing.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttps://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo/
Comedian, writer, founding contributor of The Political Garbage Chute, holder of zero world records or lifetime achievement awards.

More from author

Related posts

Advertisment

Latest posts

Healthcare Execs Vow to Do Better By Building Bulletproof Boardrooms and Automating Claim Denials

Healthcare execs fortify boardrooms with titanium desks, deny claims faster with AI, and sip champagne on yachts, all while dismissing public outrage. Patients suffer, CEOs profit. Welcome to “healing,” corporate style.

Texas Elementary School Under Fire for Staging Old Testament Murder Play

A Texas elementary school stages a shockingly violent Old Testament reenactment, sparking cheers from evangelicals, outrage from moderates, and a nationwide debate on religion, education, and the boundaries of public faith expression.

Elon Musk’s Dept. of Government Efficiency Demands a $1 Trillion Dollar Budget

Elon Musk's Department of Government Efficiency shocks Washington with a $1 trillion budget request filled with outlandish items like laser-guided detectors and a morale-boosting Dogecoin fund. Musk's ongoing presence at Mar-a-Lago stirs amusement and mild annoyance, with Trump reportedly telling a waiter, "He's your problem now." Public reactions range from raised eyebrows to full-blown cackles in true Monty Python fashion