Washington, D.C. – Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell stunned a group of reporters Wednesday when he froze mid-sentence during a routine speech on the Senate floor, leading many to speculate that he was downloading the latest GOP talking points directly from the source.
Witnesses report that the 81-year-old McConnell was delivering his remarks on the economy when he suddenly paused, stared blankly ahead, and stood motionless for what felt like an eternity. While some feared a medical emergency, others suggested he was merely buffering, waiting for the GOP’s central server to provide his next batch of phrases.
“It was like watching an old modem trying to connect to dial-up,” said one Capitol Hill reporter, who noted that this wasn’t McConnell’s first system reboot of the summer. “At first, I thought he was about to pass out, but then I realized he was just synchronizing with the latest anti-Biden catchphrases. These things take time when you’re running on political legacy software.”
As McConnell remained frozen, CNN cut to a Breaking News chyron, with commentators speculating whether his speech was delayed due to an “internal glitch” or simply a “long-loading policy script.” MSNBC called the event “troubling,” before cutting to a three-minute segment about McConnell’s love for vanilla pudding. Meanwhile, Fox News quickly claimed McConnell was “heroically stalling in solidarity with Trump” before switching to their regularly scheduled program: Ten Ways Biden Is Personally Ruining Your Mornings.
When McConnell finally resumed, he seamlessly picked up the thread, rattling off familiar lines about “out-of-control spending” and “woke liberal agendas,” confirming suspicions that the latest firmware had been successfully uploaded. “He was on brand,” commented a Politico journalist. “The machine rebooted perfectly. No updates, no bugs. Same old Mitch.”
Not everyone, however, was satisfied with the media’s lackluster analysis.
“You’d think with all the resources these news outlets have, they’d dig a little deeper,” said political analyst Julie Harriman. “But no, instead of questioning whether McConnell is a sentient automaton running on fossil fuel donations, they treated it like just another power nap.”
Rumors are now swirling that McConnell’s team is experimenting with 5G connectivity to speed up future downloads. Asked about these developments, McConnell simply froze again.
