Alternative
Poll: 9 out of 10 Trump Assassins Say They’d Still Vote for Him
A new poll by the Palo Alto, CA-based Rundex Family Foundation reveals 9 out of 10 Trump assassins would still support him in 2024. Trump, ever unfazed, claims, "I love my assassins," and ridicules Kamala Harris for lacking the same devotion from her potential assassins. Data scientist Robert Colvin reminds us, “The data doesn’t lie."
Food
Texas Officially Bans Vegan Gravy: Citizens Urged to Report Violators
Texas has officially banned vegan gravy. Under the Gravy Purity Act, citizens are now encouraged to report any plant-based saucery to local authorities. While the rest of the nation grapples with real problems, Texas is laser-focused on defending its traditional gravy—no tofu allowed. Get ready for the condiment cops!
Satire
Josh Hawley Defeats Fragile Masculinity by Staring into Mirror, Declares Himself Victor
Josh Hawley declared himself the victor in his battle against fragile masculinity after a rigorous 10-minute stare down with his own reflection. The Missouri senator, known for his “war on softness,” claims his victory is a model for all American men. The media, unsurprisingly, fumbled to grasp the seriousness of this latest conquest.
Alternative
Mitch McConnell Pauses Mid-Speech, Believed to Be Downloading Latest GOP Talking Points
Mitch McConnell froze mid-speech, leading many to speculate that he was downloading the latest GOP talking points. While the media scrambled to provide anemic coverage, viewers were left wondering if the senator was buffering for new anti-Biden lines.
Alternative
JD Vance Sacrifices Live Cats During Ohio Rally, Confirming Long-Held Fears of Suburban Cat Ladies
Rumors of new policies by Senator JD Vance send a small town into chaos, with locals fearing their beloved pets are next in line. As panic spreads, residents brace for a fictional "Anti-Feline Task Force," highlighting the power of gossip and fear.
National News
Surgical Report Shows Trump’s Brains Were Blown Out in Assassination Attempt
A surgical report reveals that Donald Trump's brains were blown out during an assassination attempt earlier this year, though no one seemed to notice. Now, his increasingly bizarre campaign trail rants include musings on Kamala Harris being raised by werewolves and windmills attacking liberals. Is Trump the future? Or just missing his mind?
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Chemtrails
You know they are controlling the skies. Here's the proof.
How the Deep State Sabotaged the New Reagan Biopic Film, by Loretta Splitair
The new Reagan biopic has reportedly been sabotaged by the Deep State, a powerful force that has long suppressed films promoting conservative heroes. Linking its downfall to past movies like The Passion of the Christ and Sound of Freedom, this investigation reveals how the Deep State has meddled in everything from The Last Temptation of Christ to The Beatles’ sudden fall from grace.
RFK Jr. Claims to Have Smoked Chemtrails in the 1980s, Recalls “Totally Gnarly” Experience
RFK Jr. has made a shocking claim that he smoked chemtrails in the 1980s, adding to his growing list of bizarre confessions. From communicating telepathically with dolphins to convincing a bear cub he was its mother, his revelations leave the public both bewildered and amused. As he endorses Trump, it’s clear RFK Jr. is in a world all his own.
Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane and Promises to Stop the Geoengineering Program
Former President Donald Trump inspected a chemtrail-equipped Boeing 767 at Andrews Air Force Base, vowing to dismantle the controversial program. Joined by Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, Trump aims to redirect funds to infrastructure and his border wall. The plan faces significant hurdles, including Congressional approval and Senate resistance, but anti-chemtrail activists are cautiously optimistic.
Alternative
Sat upright, raising a heavy fur muff that covered the whole of her lower arm towards the viewer. He then turned to look out the window.
Poll: 9 out of 10 Trump Assassins Say They’d Still Vote for Him
A new poll by the Palo Alto, CA-based Rundex Family Foundation reveals 9 out of 10 Trump assassins would still support him in 2024. Trump, ever unfazed, claims, "I love my assassins," and ridicules Kamala Harris for lacking the same devotion from her potential assassins. Data scientist Robert Colvin reminds us, “The data doesn’t lie."
Mitch McConnell Pauses Mid-Speech, Believed to Be Downloading Latest GOP Talking Points
Mitch McConnell froze mid-speech, leading many to speculate that he was downloading the latest GOP talking points. While the media scrambled to provide anemic coverage, viewers were left wondering if the senator was buffering for new anti-Biden lines.
JD Vance Sacrifices Live Cats During Ohio Rally, Confirming Long-Held Fears of Suburban Cat Ladies
Rumors of new policies by Senator JD Vance send a small town into chaos, with locals fearing their beloved pets are next in line. As panic spreads, residents brace for a fictional "Anti-Feline Task Force," highlighting the power of gossip and fear.
High Stakes News
And he looked over at the alarm clock, ticking on the chest of drawers. It was half past six and the hands were quietly moving forwards.
Richard Simmons To Aid North Korean Leaders Weight Loss
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un's weight has been the subject of ridicule since taking power after his Father's death. Recently he became angered after John McCain called him, "the lil fat kid".
Democrats To Set Limits For Deceased Voters
The Democrats are going to set limits on their collection of deceased voters. Thousands of ballots are cast from social security numbers that are from a deceased individual every election.
Tucker Carlson Finally Confesses to His Unusual Cocaine Habit
There was a pause in the studio for what would become a bombshell revelation.
Unexplained
It's here. It's strange. You want this.
Chemtrail Film Festival Coming To Nevada City, CA
The Chemtrail Action Network (CAN) announced the first-ever traveling Chemtrail Film Festival coming to Nevada City, CA this August. The film festival will be making its first stop in the secluded Sierra Nevada Foothills town for a 4 day run starting on the 14th of August and running until the 18th.
Self-Driving Car Totaled After Bigfoot Encounter Near North San Juan
When the Highway Patrol arrived on the scene, they found a mess of twisted metal and a little bit of hair.
Investigators Stumble Upon Secret Graniteville Bunker
This is where the adventure begins. The following is a edited recount of Moonash's and Mr. Wolford's unusual discovery. Residents of the usually private and esoteric Sierra Nevada foothills community didn't know about this.
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Other News
More Fazzle for your brain.
Alternative
Trump Tours Chemtrail Plane and Promises to Stop the Geoengineering Program
Former President Donald Trump inspected a chemtrail-equipped Boeing 767 at Andrews Air Force Base, vowing to dismantle the controversial program. Joined by Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, Trump aims to redirect funds to infrastructure and his border wall. The plan faces significant hurdles, including Congressional approval and Senate resistance, but anti-chemtrail activists are cautiously optimistic.
Chemtrails
Chemtrail Believer Bullied by “Math Thugs”
Mary McAlister seemed surprised that others took issue with her incendiary share of a billboard picture that warned people of the dangers of geoengineering.
Alternative
Town of Ivermectin, CA Tells Medical Tourists to Stay Away
As many as a hundred sick medical tourists show up each day, clogging both the hardware store and the small clinic. The latter was already short-staffed.
Satire
Local Militia Attempts to Reopen Denny’s
A Placer County self-proclaimed 'patriot militia' attempted to re-open a Newcastle Denny's restaurant.
Weird
Bilderberg Group to Meet in Sierra City in 2025
The annual private meeting of North American and European elites known as the Bilderberg Group announced this week that they will be holding their annual conference at Herrington's Sierra Pines Resort in June of 2022.
Satire
Man Falls Off Foresthill Bridge After Accidentally Shooting Himself While on Heroin
A Mokelumne Hill man is lucky to be alive after falling 730 feet in a failed suicide attempt.
Satire
Nevada City to Become Nation’s First 5G-free Zone
Nevada City, California will be the nation's first town to ban all 5G-related technologies.