Chico, CA — In an announcement that is sending shock waves through the Micro-Brewery community, alcohol giant Anheuser-Busch InBev is attempting to purchase Sierra Nevada Brewing Company headquartered in Chico, CA. The aggressive move, which industry insiders say is needed to help the mega-brewer shore-up it’s faux line of “craft” micro-brewery beers with “a real one,” has been met with extreme resistance by fans of the iconic Northern California beer maker.
“This is just terrible news,” said Nevada City electrician and beer enthusiast Phil Meadows. “Anheuser-Busch will ruin this great beer. They’ll squeeze every penny of profit they can out of it and bleed it. I suppose we’ll see Sierra Nevada restaurants in airports now next to those stupid California Pizza Kitchens.”
Although details are slim at the moment, the brewing giant wants “another bullet in their craft belt” according to Morgan Stanley commodity analyst Jim “The Jeff” Bremfall.
“It’s pretty obvious what’s going on here,” said Mr. Bremfall on a Morgan Stanley press briefing on the attempted takeover. “Anheuser-Busch has dozens of craft beers posing as micro-brewery ones. And in large part, the public doesn’t care as long as people can see them drinking a beer that doesn’t look like Budweiser. Sierra Nevada is a real, solid brand, unlike their more hipster ones like 10 Barrel Brewing, and you know Blue Point Brewing and Shock Top. Those were marketing maneuvers to gain dominance over these microbreweries. Bringing Sierra Nevada into their portfolio fortifies their dominance of all things beer.”
According to sources close Sierra Nevada Brewing Company, the proposed buyout is a non-starter, saying that the current proprietors have told Anheuser-Busch to go “f#$k themselves.” Moreover, the company’s sustainable business practices are viewed by some as incompatible with the mega-brewer.
