Sarajevo, Bosnia — Speaking to reporters outside a Bosnian bar, the disembodied spirit of the late Archduke Franz Ferdinand attempted to allay and assuage the fears of the citizens of Earth, in the wake of the assassination of Russia’s ambassador to Turkey earlier this week. Andrey G. Karlov, the Russian ambassador to Turkey was gunned down by a 22-year-old man that authorities are saying was a cop who was off-duty at the time. Amidst shouts of “God is great” and “don’t forget Syria,” the man shot and killed Karlov in front of a stunned press pool.
The assassination of an official state member in this region immediately reminded many people of Archduke Ferdinand’s killing, which is widely credited with starting World War I. Ferdinand today broke his silence of over 100 years to address Karlov’s assassination.
“I’m here today to tell you all,” Ferdinand announced, “not to worry too much about the assassination of Andrey G. Karlov. Sure, any time someone in power, or connected to someone in power is killed, it has the potential for bad, unforeseen consequences. Indeed, Russia’s president may seem like a man with a hammer and a multitude of nails, but in reality, everything is in order.
Mr. Ferdinand said in his “estimation” that there isn’t much for the world to worry about now.
“I mean, I’ve been dead for a long time, and I didn’t even live to see the majority of the last century,” Ferdinand said, “but it’s not like you guys have to really worry about a great war breaking out.” After all, that’s what we fought for—the war to end all wars, remember? I bet there wasn’t another world war, let alone another war period, after the war my death started was finally concluded, right?”
One reporter from a local Bosnian newspaper removed their smartphone from their pocket. They Googled “all the shit that happened in the past 100 years” and handed it to Ferdinand. After an hour of rolling on the floor, blown away by the depth of information and level of technology in his hands, the archduke finally composed himself and read a couple of the many synopses of the last century that the reporter had provided him. He nodded, knowingly.
“Oh, yeah, okay,” Archduke Ferdinand said, “I was, like, way, way off here. You guys are pretty much totally fucked, regardless.”
Another few moments passed, and Ferdinand was still holding the smartphone.
“What else can you do with these things?” the archduke asked. “You have the collected wisdom of the entire species at your fingertips! This is tremendous! You must do amazing things with this!”
Over the next several hours, the reporter showed Ferdinand Instagram pictures of food, Donald Trump’s 3am coke-fueled rage tweets, Facebook meme requests for thoughts and prayers, and roughly 2.3 zetabytes worth of online pornography.
Republished from The Political Garbage Chute.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.
