Mar-a-Lago, FL — Former President Donald Trump has now claimed that a “Haitian” squirrel viciously attacked him at Mar-a-Lago, leaving him with a “seriously damaged ear.” Trump asserted that this rodent is not merely an ordinary nut-gatherer but rather a member of a rogue “squirrel network” that was radicalized by Peanut the Squirrel, a minor social media celebrity who was captured in New York earlier this year. Yes, you read that right: a rogue squirrel network.
In an impromptu press conference at Mar-a-Lago (where most other folks are simply trying to enjoy a round of golf), Trump insisted that Peanut was the “first of many,” describing the New York squirrel as a “radicalized city squirrel” trained by “New York liberals” to spark chaos among the nation’s wildlife.
“These aren’t our regular good American squirrels, folks,” Trump declared straight-faced. “They’re foreign, and they’re vicious. And let me tell you, this one that got me had a certain look. Haitian. I could tell.”
When Peanut the Squirrel Is a Radical Threat
For those of us who are sane, Peanut is just a regular gray squirrel who gained popularity in New York before wildlife authorities seized him. But Trump’s version? Trump’s version presents a convoluted tale in which Peanut, now seemingly a well-trained agent, is “inspiring” a new wave of aggressive squirrels with an anti-Trump agenda. According to Trump, Peanut is single-pawedly “leading a squirrel uprising,” and this “Haitian squirrel” attack on him is the “first strike.”
Trump’s supporters, no strangers to creative thinking, wasted no time rallying to the cause. Soon, posts like “First Peanut, now they’re coming for Trump!” flooded social media. “#SquirrelUprising” and “If you don’t think these animals are dangerous, you’re not paying attention” were among the posts that quickly flooded social media. One supporter ominously posted, “Peanut was taken as a warning, and now the squirrels are mobilizing.”
A Squirrel Defense Force and the “Deep State Plot”
In true Trumpian fashion, he used the occasion to announce a bold initiative: the “American Wildlife Protection Force.” His plan? He aimed to create a perimeter around Mar-a-Lago that is “squirrel-proof,” featuring “squirrel identification checkpoints” and potentially a “wall, or at least some very strong mesh,” to prevent radicals inspired by Peanut. “We can’t let this happen,” he warned his supporters. “They may have taken my ear, but they won’t take my resolve.”
Pressed for details, Trump suggested that the New York deep state—who he believes is behind it all—probably “reprogrammed” Peanut. “They took him, gave him the full deep state treatment, and then they unleashed him. Now we’re seeing the results—squirrels, foreign or otherwise, acting out against me.”
Experts and Peanut (the Completely Regular Squirrel) Respond
Naturally, wildlife experts quickly refuted the concept, emphasizing that squirrels are, well, squirrels. “There’s no such thing as a ‘Haitian’ squirrel,” said Dr. Linda McCree from the Florida Department of Environmental Protection. “And Peanut is just a gray squirrel, not a political operative.” She added, “Squirrels don’t really do ‘uprisings.’ They do acorns. That’s about it.”
Meanwhile, Peanut, reportedly unaware of his new fame, has resumed his normal life in upstate New York, blissfully munching on seeds and very likely unconcerned with the former President’s grievances. Local sources report that he hasn’t made any political statements lately, unless you consider tampering with a bird feeder to be dissent.
The Birth of a Conspiracy Icon
Naturally, Trump’s story has sparked something of a movement. Online supporters are already demanding justice for Peanut, asserting that liberal forces “captured” him as part of a “dark plot against America’s animals.” Rumors of a “freedom squirrel movement” are gaining traction, with fringe groups insisting that Peanut’s legacy lives on in the “patriotic rodents,” willing to risk it all to take a bite out of tyranny.
At last count, Trump’s GoFundMe for the “American Wildlife Protection Force” had raised a whopping $36. When asked about his plans should the “Haitian squirrel” resurface, Trump nodded grimly and said, “We’ll be ready. We’re building the best defenses. The best fences. And, you know, we’re going to make those squirrels pay for it.”
At press time, Mar-a-Lago staff confirmed that they were looking into a “squirrel deterrent” package that includes motion-activated sprinklers, which are likely to cause far more irritation to Trump’s guests than to any potential squirrel insurgents.
