By Loretta Splitair, International Stylist Correspondent and Accidental Diplomat
Washington, D.C. — Well butter my biscuits and pass the Aqua Net, President Donald J. Trump has officially styled himself into an international incident.
A bold move, which can only be described as “Dictator Chic meets Florida Retirement Realness,” the sitting U.S. president has adopted the high-gloss, barrel-shaped bouffant favored by none other than North Korea’s own Kim Jong-un. That’s right, folks. The leader of the free world now looks like he’s about to review a missile parade and sell you a time-share in Branson, Missouri.
Sources say the presidential makeover happened sometime between his morning Diet Coke and the daily brief he occasionally reads by accident. White House stylists reportedly spent five hours sculpting the look using industrial-strength shellac and the tears of former aides.
“I did it for diplomacy,” Trump declared, squinting into the camera like it owed him money. “Kim and I—we get each other. We’re hair guys.”
Now, I’m not saying we’re in uncharted territory here, but when your Commander-in-Chief starts styling for despots, it’s probably time to check the Constitution for a dress code. Washington insiders claim this is the first time international relations have been attempted via a barbershop.
Back home, reactions have been as split as Trump’s ends. Branson’s own self-appointed prophet of patriotic truth, Randy “The BBQ Seer” Ledbetter, declared it “a coded message to the subterranean mole people of Mt. Rushmore.”
Meanwhile Pastor Glenda down at the Tabernacle of Eternal Grits claimed the hairstyle was “proof of the End Times or at least a sign we should finally ban conditioner.”
Meanwhile, Kim Jong-un has yet to comment, but insiders report he’s “visibly confused” and “slightly flattered.”
As for me? I say if we’re solving nuclear tension with matching perms, someone better warn Putin before we see a mullet revival in Moscow.