Irvine, CA — California-based In-N-Out Burger shocked its loyal customers yesterday when they announced that they would no longer serve items from its secret menu. The wildly popular burger chain, which is privately held and still family run, made the announcement during an impromptu press conference on the steps of its Irvine, CA headquarters.
“At In-N-Out, our slogan has always been ‘quality you can taste,'” said In-N-Out spokeswoman Bethany Snyder-Millbright reading from a prepared statement. “And we are not changing our commitment to that. Also, we want to make it very clear that there is no such thing as, nor has there ever been a secret menu. Therefore, how could we discontinue something that never existed? We know there are people out there that insist there is such a menu, but part of what makes the In-N-Out experience unique is our simple and wholesome menu. So needless to say, we’re announcing that we’re discontinuing the secret menu that never existed.”
According to patrons who have visited the restaurants over the years, In-N-Out Burger does indeed have a secret menu which is vastly larger than the rather austere burger, french fry and beverage one. In fact, CalTech’s Dr. Tral Aldrich who is a Professor of both astrophysics and linear algebra once calculated over 8 billion different In-N-Out secret menu combinations.
“From my calculations,” said Dr. Aldrich via telephone, “There are 8.1 billion different ways to eat at In-N-Out Burger. If you take just the default menu, there’s only about 12. However, when you get creative, there is almost an unlimited variety of combinations one might experience.”
Even as In-N-Out has canceled their secret menu, this hasn’t stop the most rabid patrons from taking what is now known as the “Aldrich Challenge” and combining menu items in new and creative ways.
“Yeah man,” said North San Juan, CA ‘farmer’ Moonash who spoke outside the Auburn, CA In-N-Out. “It’s like, they’re soooooo nice in there. They’ll make whatever I ask them to make. I mean, like, I used to just get a 4 X 4 and some animal-style fries, but then me and my buddy Skyy started experimenting. So today I had them combine french fries with a Neapolitan Shake. They put the fries right in the cup. Far out, man.”
When asked what he thought of In-N-Out discontinuing their ‘secret menu,’ Moonash seemed confused and slightly angry.
“What the [explicative deleted] are you talking about man,” questioned an annoyed Moonash. “I was just in there. And Skyy [pointing to his long time “business” partner Skyy Wolford] just got a Flying Dutchman. He gets it because he thinks its hilarious, which it is. You know? Next thing you’ll tell me is they’re not printing Jesus things on the bottom of their cups.”
Ms. Snyder-Millbright said the secret menu will be discontinued immediately, if it actually existed, which it doesn’t.
