Vatican City — Vatican sources confirmed today that President Joe Biden is the surprise pick to succeed the late Pope Francis. For readers now choking on their communion wafers, yes, you read that right. Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., known affectionately to some as “Uncle Joe” and less affectionately to others as “Sleepy Joe,” is about to swap Air Force One for the Popemobile.
“We needed someone uniquely qualified,” explained Vatican spokesperson Cardinal Luigi Parmesano. “Joe Biden has decades of experience greeting people he can’t quite place, whispering quietly yet urgently into microphones, and shaking hands with invisible friends. And let’s not overlook his divine ability to nap through important ceremonies—an essential skill for Vatican diplomacy.”
Biden’s famous Amtrak journeys from Delaware to D.C. were cited as “modern-day pilgrimages,” symbolizing humility, patience, and his unparalleled ability to wait for infrastructure upgrades that never come. In addition, Vatican officials were notably impressed by Biden’s seemingly miraculous talent for handling communion wafers—claiming he hasn’t broken one since the Nixon administration.
Predictably, this decision drew immediate fire from Donald Trump, who took to Truth Social to denounce the selection as a “rigged, deep-state Vatican scheme,” orchestrated by Dominion Voting Systems, Dr. Fauci, and “probably Hunter’s laptop, too.” Trump also asserted, without evidence, that Biden’s wafer-handling record was “FAKE NEWS,” and claimed, “No one handles wafers better than me. Believe me, folks.”
Supporters of the new Pope-elect quickly defended his selection, noting Biden’s extraordinary longevity, a factor that Cardinal Parmesano explained as crucial: “If anyone understands eternity, it’s a guy who’s been in politics since Moses was in short pants.”
Biden himself seemed mildly surprised when reporters asked about his ascension to the Holy See, responding with his patented folksy charm: “Listen here, Jack—this Pope business sounds like serious malarkey, but hey, if they let me keep the aviators and Jill can decorate the Vatican for Christmas, I’m all in.”
Despite fierce online protests from conspiracy enthusiasts and QAnon-adjacent circles convinced this papal appointment signals “The Great Reset,” “chemtrails intensifying,” and “Wi-Fi radiation spiking,” Vatican officials are unwavering. The Church insists Biden’s presidency has already prepared him to issue confusing directives, occasionally forget his location, and wave benevolently at crowds who aren’t there—all duties closely associated with papal responsibilities.
“Look,” concluded Parmesano solemnly, “anyone capable of delivering a thirty-minute speech without making a clear point is more than qualified to head up the oldest bureaucracy on Earth.”
The Biden team was reportedly researching whether “Corn Pop” could be canonized.
