Houston, TX — Paula White-Cain, the spiritual advisor to former President Donald Trump and wife of Journey keyboardist Jonathan Cain, has rewritten the lyrics to the rock classic “Wheel in the Sky.” The newly christened “God’s Holy Wheel” is set to debut at Trump’s next rally, where it will, according to White-Cain, “usher in a new era of divine leadership and holy rock and roll.”
A Vision from Above (and Maybe from Mar-a-Lago)
The idea for the rewrite reportedly came to Paula White-Cain in a vision—or perhaps a late-night phone call from Trump himself. Sources close to White-Cain say she was deep in prayer when she was suddenly transported to a celestial realm where Trump, clad in gleaming white robes, was leading a chorus of evangelical rockstars. The only problem? The music wasn’t quite… divine enough.
“The escalator was stuck,” White-Cain later explained, referencing Trump’s iconic descent into the 2016 presidential race. “It wasn’t moving because the anthem wasn’t right. I knew then that the ‘Wheel in the Sky’ had to be reborn, sanctified, and spun anew.”
With her divine directive in hand, White-Cain enlisted the reluctant help of her husband, Jonathan Cain. Cain, who has been busy navigating a feud with Journey’s guitarist Neal Schon, was torn between loyalty to his band’s legacy and his wife’s fervent mission.
The couple locked themselves in their Florida mansion for three days, emerging with lyrics that White-Cain believes will bring Trump back to the White House and “renew America’s covenant with God.” The chorus, now echoing through the halls of Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate, proclaims:
“God’s Holy Wheel keeps on spinning,
For Trump’s return, we’re all yearning,
God’s Holy Wheel keeps on spinning.”
Gone are the days of ambiguity and existential wanderings. Instead, the rewritten anthem promises a future filled with divine certainty, where Trump’s leadership and God’s will are as intertwined as the chords in a Journey power ballad.
Paula White-Cain Explains the Lyric Changes
White-Cain quickly defends the changes as more than just a lyrical facelift. “The original ‘Wheel in the Sky’ was about not knowing where you’d be tomorrow,” she explained during a recent appearance on a religious talk show. “But as believers, we know where our Holy Wheel is guiding us—straight toward a new era of divine leadership under President Trump.”
She went on to dissect the song’s first verse:
“I’ve been praying to make it right,
God’s chosen one will lead the fight.
The swamp is deep, the battle’s longer,
But faith will never be a strain,
With Trump we’ll always find our way back home again.”
“This verse is about our struggle as a nation,” White-Cain elaborated, her eyes gleaming with righteous zeal. “The swamp is real, and the battle is long, but with Trump and God on our side, we’ll find our way home. This isn’t just about politics—it’s about our faith, our future.”
As news of the rewritten anthem spread, reactions were swift and varied. Journey fans, who have been riding the emotional rollercoaster of the band’s internal drama, were quick to express their outrage.
“This is a desecration!” one fan tweeted, alongside a meme of a crying Steve Perry. “First the band drama, now this? What’s next, ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ in God’s Will’?”
Neal Schon, Journey’s guitarist, wasted no time distancing himself from the project, issuing yet another cease and desist letter. “I’ve seen some wild stuff in my time, but this… this is an affront to all that is rock and roll,” Schon said in a statement. “Journey stands for musical freedom, not religious propaganda.”
But not everyone was displeased. In certain evangelical circles, the rewritten lyrics were hailed as the new hymn for a “post-secular America.” Even those who didn’t quite understand the lyrics nodded along, too afraid to admit they were lost in the holy jargon.
The Trump Connection: Why This Matters for 2024
The new anthem is more than just a catchy tune for Trump—it’s a strategic move. Having been hit with multiple cease-and-desist orders from musicians unhappy with their songs being played at his rallies, Trump sees “God’s Holy Wheel” as a way to galvanize his base without legal backlash.
“This song is going to be HUGE,” Trump reportedly told aides, adding that it would “make rallies great again.” He’s already envisioning the sea of red hats swaying to the beat, even if no one, including Trump himself, fully understands the lyrics.
As the wheels of God’s will and Trump’s campaign keep spinning, it remains to be seen whether “God’s Holy Wheel” will catch on or become another footnote in the annals of absurd political history. But one thing is certain: the intersection of rock, religion, and politics has never been quite so… bizarre.
God’s Holy Wheel
(Rewritten from “Wheel in the Sky” by Journey)
Verse 1:
I’ve been praying to make it right,
God’s chosen one will lead the fight.
The swamp is deep, the battle’s longer,
But faith will never be a strain,
With Trump we’ll always find our way back home again.
Chorus:
God’s Holy Wheel keeps on spinning,
For Trump’s return, we’re all yearning,
God’s Holy Wheel keeps on spinning.
Verse 2:
Oh, the Holy Wheel of God keeps spinning,
With Trump, our future’s never dimming.
I’m standing strong in His holy light,
Trusting in the path that’s bright.
We’ll keep on winning, through the night.
Chorus:
God’s Holy Wheel keeps on spinning,
For Trump’s return, we’re all yearning,
God’s Holy Wheel keeps on spinning.
Bridge:
For God’s tomorrow…
For God’s tomorrow…
Chorus (Final):
God’s Holy Wheel keeps on spinning,
For Trump’s return, we’re all yearning,
God’s Holy Wheel keeps on spinning.
