Michele Bachmann Not Afraid to Say What We All Know

Ms. Bachmann's considerable corn dog skills.
Ms. Bachmann’s considerable corn dog skills.

Provincetown, MA — Former Presidential candidate, Congresswoman, Mother and pandering dick Michele Bachmann announced to America what Americans everywhere already knew: that ‘gays’ will “freely prey on little children sexually.”

“Parents all over America now have another tool in their arsenal for combating misbehavior,” said Bachmann. Along with the Boogie Man, Monsters and Jenny McCarthy, parents can now terrify their children into compliance by threatening them with the “homosexual agenda,” in Bachmann’s words.

Cloaking her rhetoric in mantle of doubt, Ms. Bachmann proclaimed that the “radical experiment” of same sex marriage will have “profound consequences that we haven’t yet realized.” This implied that the experient in social liberation should be stopped immediately because she is admittedly bat-shit crazy and can’t predict nor control the future.

Continuing on, Bachmann accused the “gay community” of pushing “deviancy,” “tyranny” and child rape. She added, “[t]hese are the things we taught our children growing up.”

But ultimately, Bachmann insists her message is about love and healing:

“Our message is to spread goodness and joy and wholeness and healing, and we do that through a loving God with a message that frees people, it doesn’t enslave people, we shouldn’t fear giving out this very good word,” Bachmann said. “It takes these concepts for the purpose of bringing liberty, joy, healing, wholeness and a fresh way of thinking for people’s lives.”

Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair
Loretta Splitair is Fazzler's Media and Cultural Editor. She has written widely including publications such as Rolling Stone, The Atlantic and the Lady's Home Journal where she hosts a regular column on the ravages of Billy Joel's music entitled, Billy Joel is a Piece of Shit. Loretta is married to her second husband after her first died protesting railway expansion in Kansas. Please do not ask her about it.

More from author

4 COMMENTS

Related posts

Advertisment

Latest posts

Biden-Harris Admin Accused of Using HAARP to Blow Away Florida Voters

Conspiracy theorists are alleging that the Biden-Harris administration is weaponizing HAARP to control Hurricane Helene and suppress Republican voters in Florida. Theories of mind control, 5G nanoparticles, and chemtrails swirl, but Caltech astrophysicist Dr. Tral Aldrich debunks the claims, tiredly reminding everyone that HAARP is a research facility, not a joystick for manipulating elections or the weather.

The Entire John Steinbeck Catalog Now a 5-Minute TikTok Video

Tom Joad stands in disbelief as his family’s struggle is transformed into a five-minute TikTok sensation. Their story, once defined by hardship and dignity, is now a viral meme, shared and forgotten in seconds. As the world scrolls past, Tom realizes that in this digital age, human suffering is nothing more than content for a blind and fleeting audience.

Haitian Cat Allegedly Eats Springfield Trump Supporter

In Springfield, OH, Mittens the cat is under investigation for allegedly eating a Trump supporter after a heated debate over the 2020 election results. Outrage is sweeping certain political circles, with claims of a Democrat-led conspiracy involving weaponized pets. Meanwhile, sane locals are tired of the media circus and wonder when people will start focusing on real issues—like potholes.