Washington, DC — International gang MS-13 has officially mandated that all new tattoos must now be inked exclusively in Times New Roman, effective immediately.
The gang announced the surprising typography directive via a neatly formatted, single-spaced press release, citing “brand confusion and readability” as key motivators. “Effective intimidation begins with legibility,” stated José “J-Serif” Gonzalez, MS-13’s self-proclaimed Director of Branding and Communications. “Our rivals were laughing at us when they couldn’t decipher our ink. Comic Sans seriously undermined our street credibility.”
President Donald Trump immediately claimed the gang’s typographic switch as a “huge victory” during a press briefing. “This clearly proves my administration’s Photoshop initiative worked beautifully,” Trump stated, referencing a recent incident in which he mistakenly showcased digitally altered photos of a deported individual with “MS-13” artificially tattooed across his knuckles. “Now MS-13 is finally embracing classy, American fonts. Nobody’s tougher on typefaces than I am.”
Tattoo artists nationwide are grappling with this sudden gangland rebranding. “Times New Roman? Really? I spent years perfecting my Old English lettering,” complained Lionel “Inky” Paterson, owner of “Second Amendment Ink” in Richmond, Virginia. “But hey, if they want their ink to look like a quarterly earnings report, I’m ready to oblige.”
Graphic designers swiftly erupted in outrage—not over gang violence, mind you, but over the gang’s “uninspired font choice.” The National Society of Graphic Designers (NSGD) issued a sharply worded statement, deriding Times New Roman as “the beige khakis of typography,” and suggesting instead the universally respected Helvetica Neue. The hashtag #GangFonts quickly began trending on Twitter, sparking heated debates about whether Garamond or Baskerville might better convey criminal gravitas.
Social media chaos soon followed. One viral tweet asked, “Does this mean my butterfly tramp stamp in Times New Roman now associates me with gang activity?” Another commenter helpfully replied, “Only if it includes proper kerning.”
Law enforcement officials nationwide appeared largely unfazed. FBI spokesperson Marjorie Watson told reporters, “We haven’t exactly had a major font-related crime spree here. But, just in case, agents have been advised to watch for suspicious serifs.”
Ultimately, as Americans grapple with this unprecedented gang typography shift, one fact is clear: In the battle for gang supremacy, nothing sends a stronger message than a crisp, 12-point font.
