Des Moines, IA -– It was supposed to be just another Trump rally, a raucous evening of fiery speeches and the usual promises of “greatness.” But all hell broke loose on Friday when former President Donald Trump announced to a stunned audience that McDonald’s, the “most American institution in history,” according to Trump, was discontinuing the Chicken Big Mac.
The news hit the crowd like a deep-fried bombshell. Some stared in stunned silence, others clutched their Chicken Big Mac wrappers in disbelief, and a few could even be seen wiping away tears. Because what’s more American than a Chicken Big Mac? Well, apparently, nothing—at least not to this crowd. “They’re taking our Big Mac, folks!” Trump bellowed, holding up an empty Chicken Big Mac box as if it were the flag at Iwo Jima.
A Fast-Food Frenzy: Chicken Sandwiches and Flying Fries
The crowd’s reaction started with some harmless chanting—“Bring It Back!” and “Not My Big Mac!” echoing across the arena. But soon, things turned rowdier than a 2 a.m. drive-thru. Dozens of “Proud Poultry Patriots” swarmed the concessions stand demanding Chicken Big Macs and, when told they were out, resorted to pelting staff with ketchup packets and fries. Yes, the night devolved into what one witness described as “an angry, mayonnaise-fueled frenzy.”
Security made valiant attempts to calm the crowd, but this was a group of people who’d come for freedom and fried chicken, and they were leaving with neither. “I came here to stand for America, and that includes my right to a Chicken Big Mac,” shouted Glenn Murphy, a man proudly draped in a U.S. flag poncho and wielding a cardboard cutout of a Big Mac. “What’s next, they’re coming for the fries?!”
“Make Big Macs Great Again”: A New Rallying Cry
Trump, clearly loving every second, only fanned the flames. “They’re taking our choices, folks. First, it’s the Chicken Big Mac—what’s next, the Filet-O-Fish?” he asked, to horrified gasps. He even proposed a boycott of McDonald’s “until they bring back the Big Mac we know and love.” And just like that, a new rallying cry was born: “Make Big Macs Great Again!”
Trump supporters took to social media to air their grievances, with hashtags like #BigMacRights and #ChickenBigMacForever trending in minutes. One loyal follower tweeted, “If McDonald’s can take our Chicken Big Mac, what’s next? Our freedom?!” Another user posted, “First, they come for the Chicken Big Mac. Next, they’ll be telling us to drink oat milk. Stay vigilant, patriots.”
The “Anti-Chicken Agenda” and Trump’s National Big Mac Coalition
Naturally, Trump didn’t stop there. He announced that McDonald’s had caved to an “anti-chicken agenda” fueled by “Big Food”—a shadowy cartel hell-bent on robbing Americans of their culinary freedom. And, as one might expect, he proposed a solution: a National Big Mac Coalition to “protect our American values and make sure no one ever tries to take our sandwiches again.”
“Folks, who would have thought that McDonald’s—the last bastion of American freedom—would betray us?” Trump said, now fully in his element. He even called for a “Chicken Big Mac Independence Day,” a national holiday to honor the “great American poultry that made this country strong.” The crowd, of course, roared its approval, with one rally-goer overheard saying, “I’d give my life for a Chicken Big Mac.”
McDonald’s Braces for Impact
As of press time, McDonald’s corporate has yet to comment on the rally’s events, likely trying to figure out how their Chicken Big Mac became a political lightning rod. However, sources report that franchises across Iowa are quietly bracing for impact, stocking up on nuggets, extra-large fries, and as much BBQ sauce as they can get their hands on.
Meanwhile, the rally attendees filed out into the night, fired up, hungry, and utterly convinced that somewhere out there was a deep-fried conspiracy against their very way of life. Because in this America, you can take a lot of things from people, but you cannot—cannot—take their Chicken Big Mac.
