Palo Alto, CA — A 4 year study by the Palo Alto-based Rundex Family Foundation of major television broadcasts and newspaper outlets has found that continual coverage of mass shootings and murders is leading the population at large to feel very sad. The study, which was funded in part by the Pew Charitable Trust and by a grant from National Public Radio, found that coverage of the 92 mass shootings since 1982 really makes people feel hopeless, angry, helpless and fucking depressed.
“Well, the data doesn’t lie,” said Rundex lead researcher Robert Colvin from his Mountain View, CA home office reviewing the study’s findings. “I mean even with the standard deviation figuring in, a full 83% of the people interview said that they feel fucking depressed with the 24 hour coverage of all these mass shootings. And an additional 7% said they would rather gouge themselves to death with an old, rusty spoon rather than watch more breaking news of another mass murder.”
The study, which interviewed over 12,000 people over the past year asked participants how they felt about the constant, never-ending coverage of horrible events in places far away from them. One interviewee, Stacy Grant of Nevada City, CA gave the interviewer a piece of her mind.
“I am simply sick of this depressing shit,” said an exasperated Ms. Grant from the porch of her Cottage Street home. “It’s like these asshole news programs love it when bad things happen because they only have 14 minutes of news every day, so they have to fill the rest of it up with all of this horrible crap. They run the same footage over and over again until you’re hypnotized into buying whatever bullshit their advertisers are trying to sell you. I just bought a bunch of life insurance and prescription drugs I didn’t need.”
Rundex is planning a follow-up study to determine why Twitter is so fucking stupid.
