Austin, TX — Governor Greg Abbott and the state legislature have declared war—not on crime, education, or infrastructure, but on vegan gravy. Yes, the condiment wars have officially begun. The Gravy Purity Act, signed into law in 2019, is now in full swing as of September 2024. And no, this is not an episode of The Twilight Zone.
“We’ve got bigger fish to fry,” Abbott announced at a press conference, clearly missing the irony that some Texans fry their fish in vegan oil. “But today, we’re focusing on defending our great state’s culinary heritage.”
Since the bill’s passing, Texans have had five years to brace themselves for the possibility of being arrested for that heinous act of slathering soy sauce on their biscuits. Initially, there was hope that the law might be forgotten, but yes, Texas isn’t about letting go of its sacred traditions. Who needs working public schools when you’ve got gravy to protect?
Critics have pointed out that the law is virtually unenforceable. “How do you even prove someone’s using vegan gravy?” asked Erin Fairbanks, an Austin lawyer specializing in food law. “Are they going to set up a gravy task force? Conduct sting operations on brunch spots?”
While no official funding has been allocated for enforcement (because Texas sure isn’t raising taxes for this nonsense), HR 42’s backers are confident citizens will do their part. “Texans are known for their pride in home-cooked meals. We’re counting on them to report anyone breaking the law,” said Damon James, the bill’s original cosponsor. “If you see something, say something. We call it gravy vigilance.”
Reports are already surfacing that social media platforms are becoming hotbeds for vigilante gravy enforcement, with hashtags like #GravyGate trending across Texas. Some Twitter users have gleefully tagged their local sheriff’s office, reporting vegan infractions happening in trendy cafes. The irony is lost on no one except perhaps the bill’s authors.
Animal rights groups, meanwhile, are not taking this lying down. Austin-based Animals First has not only filed a lawsuit but has also started a cheeky ad campaign called “Gravy Without Guilt,” designed to poke fun at Texas’ fixation on this issue while subtly promoting plant-based alternatives. Their billboards feature smiling biscuits drowning in sauce with slogans like, “Don’t Worry, It’s Just Veggies, Y’all!”
Political analysts have noted that the ban is likely part of a broader strategy to rile up the state’s rural voter base, who see the rise of veganism as another liberal conspiracy, possibly in the same league as wind turbines or vaccines. “It’s culture war theater,” said Dr. Sydney Harper, a political science professor at UT Austin. “Politicians are counting on people caring more about gravy than they do about things like healthcare access or affordable housing.”
Nevertheless, some citizens are leaning into the absurdity. A popular Texas BBQ joint in Houston has already announced its new “Gravy Free” option, a blatant marketing strategy to capitalize on the chaos. Meanwhile, Austin restaurants promote “gravy speakeasies,” underground pop-up events where patrons can indulge in plant-based sauce without fear of citizen arrest.
With the law officially in effect, Texans must decide: will they bow to the gravy overlords or fight for the right to drench their biscuits in whatever strange concoction they choose? In Texas, it’s never just about the food—it’s about freedom… or at least the freedom to enforce outdated traditions.
