WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an extraordinary new chapter of American diplomacy, President Donald Trump has launched a peculiar public campaign accusing Greenlanders of eating puffins—and, somehow, penguins. Trump’s grasp of geography remains as reliable as a snowball in the Arctic sun.
Arctic Bird-Brained Diplomacy
At a rally in Jacksonville, Florida—because clearly, that’s where Arctic policy is best understood—Trump stood with Vice President J.D. Vance and Secretary of State Marco Rubio, passionately declaring, “Folks, Greenland is eating all the puffins! And penguins, too! They’re basically Arctic bald eagles!”
Rubio, visibly anxious, muttered quietly to an aide, “Penguins? Did he really say penguins?” The aide responded grimly, “Let’s just get through this.”
Undaunted by facts, Trump announced the “Puffin Protection Act,” proposing a massive wall around Greenland to “keep the puffin poachers out.” Trump assured the audience, “Greenland or Denmark or Antarctica—wherever penguins live—they’ll pay for it.”
Supporter Tim “Bubba” Wilkins, wearing a MAGA hat decorated with faux puffin feathers, stated confidently, “Doesn’t matter if it’s puffins or penguins—we gotta protect them birds from Greenland’s socialist menu.”
Vance’s Misadventures on Ice
Vice President J.D. Vance’s diplomatic mission quickly turned into an icy embarrassment. Upon stepping off his plane at Pituffik Space Base, Vance reportedly remarked with shock, “Why didn’t anyone say Greenland would be cold?” His wife, Usha, nervously joked to reporters, “I thought we’d packed for something closer to Hawaii.”
At an awkward indoor press conference—indoors due to the Vice President’s newfound disdain for frostbite—Vance insisted, “Denmark’s abandoned Greenland. America is here with open arms—and heated rooms, thank goodness.”
Sources within the White House claim Trump’s fixation on Greenland has nothing to do with bird welfare. A senior administration official admitted anonymously, “Someone mentioned Presidents Polk and McKinley, and now Trump believes he needs to annex territory to become historically significant. He really loves the sound of ‘Trump, Arctic Hero.'”
Political commentator Rachel Maddow remarked dryly, “This administration’s bizarre obsession is straight out of a poorly scripted sitcom. Unfortunately, the implications are closer to a geopolitical thriller.”
Greenland Responds
Greenlandic Prime Minister Múte Egede responded wryly, “We don’t typically eat puffins, and penguins simply don’t live here. Maybe the President has mistaken Greenland for a cartoon island.”
Danish Foreign Minister Lars Løkke Rasmussen added with weary irritation, “If misinformation weren’t so dangerous, we’d be laughing. Unfortunately, reality doesn’t operate like a television comedy.”
And across diners in the United States, Trump supporters remain unmoved by reality. In rural Ohio, local diner patron Bill Cassidy stated firmly, “Trump knows best. He’s saving those puffins or whatever they are. Before this, I wasn’t even sure Greenland was real. Now I know it’s near Iceland—sounds like a nice place.”
When a reporter gently corrected Cassidy’s geography, he dismissed the idea quickly. “Trump wouldn’t lie about birds,” he insisted. “There’s no reason he’d make that up.”
And Then the Environmental Irony
Trump’s loud advocacy for imaginary birds ironically ignores the very real environmental threats facing Greenland’s wildlife. Climate change is actively melting Greenland’s ice, threatening actual species—a problem notably absent from Trump’s exaggerated rhetoric.
In essence, this absurd situation reveals how misinformation and blind nationalism can escalate trivial misunderstandings into international embarrassments, all while real crises remain unaddressed.
Disclaimer: No puffins, penguins, or other birds have been harmed, imagined, or otherwise.
