Trump Claims USA Hockey Team Wouldn’t Have Lost to Canada “If He Was President”

New York, NY — President Donald Trump recently took to Truth Social following Team USA’s heartbreaking overtime hockey loss to Canada, calling it a “national embarrassment” that “never would have happened if I was president.” Although he’s currently the sitting president, that minor detail didn’t deter Trump from suggesting that, under his leadership—apparently as some kind of Hockey Commander-in-Chief—American hockey would’ve been “unbeatable.”

From there, President Trump skated directly onto thin ice, spewing a flurry of claims so dazzlingly absurd they left his supporters dizzy—and Canadians giggling politely into their Tim Hortons cups.

“Stable Genius” Coaching Strategy

Kicking off his rant, Trump insisted he would have personally coached Team USA, boasting, “Nobody understands hockey better than Trump. I would’ve built a wall in front of our net—and made Canada pay for it. Believe me.” White House insiders report Trump had actually suggested this strategy at a national security briefing, confusing even the Pentagon.

He even envisioned himself delivering fiery motivational speeches in the locker room, with his new catchphrase: “Make America Skate Again.” Of course, after the loss, Trump quickly blamed the referees, calling the game “totally rigged.” It’s unclear if he understood that referees were not subject to electoral recounts.

Hockey: “Very Easy to Win”

Doubling down, Trump claimed in an official statement that hockey was “very easy to win,” adding, “I know more about hockey than Wayne Gretzky. Tremendous stick-handler. Nobody handles sticks better than Trump. Ask anyone.” Perhaps confused by his own metaphor, Trump further suggested replacing hockey sticks with golf clubs, noting, “I’ve spent more time on the ice—mostly in cocktails—than Sleepy Joe ever has. Ice golf is a great American tradition.”

When asked for comment, Wayne Gretzky reportedly replied, “No one told me I was running for president.”

But Trump’s crusade was far from over. Veering into more familiar territory, he accused Canada of “Canadian Collusion,” declaring, “Trudeau rigged the rink temperature. It was fake ice! Fake pucks! People are saying it!” White House press secretary Kari Lake quickly defended the president, asserting, “This administration will not stand by while our allies secretly freeze water to create ice.”

Trump also insisted that Prime Minister Trudeau had “wiretapped” U.S. locker rooms to steal game strategies, labeling the entire episode a “witch hunt on skates.” Trudeau, in typical Canadian fashion, merely responded with a bemused shrug and a polite, “Sorry.”

And as is well documented, Trump is notorious for his creative interpretations of reality. He then unveiled altered game footage during a hastily arranged White House press conference, marking it up with his signature Sharpie to show Team USA winning by a “huge, beautiful landslide.” As journalists squinted at the crudely edited footage, Trump barked, “Those are fake highlights you’re seeing out there. SAD!”

Pressed on the issue, Trump further declared, “Sharpies don’t lie, believe me,” leaving even Fox News anchors visibly baffled.

“Art of the Ice Deal”

With confidence, Trump declared that he would have invoked the “Art of the Ice Deal” to secure victory. “I would have renegotiated NAFTA mid-game to give Team USA unlimited free goals,” he explained. “Nobody negotiates better than Trump. I never lose a negotiation, except when judges, voters, or reality interfere.”

In an even bolder claim, Trump suggested trading Alaska back to Russia in exchange for hockey star Alex Ovechkin, calling it “the greatest trade deal in sports history.” Asked about this proposal, Ovechkin simply laughed, adding, “Alaska? They don’t even have a hockey team.”

And in a striking return to one of his favorite themes, Trump also took the opportunity to remind Canada of his long-standing offer to make it America’s “51st state.” He argued that, had Canada accepted, the U.S. would’ve enjoyed “unlimited ice” and access to Canadian players with “tremendous manners.” The President then elaborated, “Under my leadership, we would’ve annexed Tim Hortons. You can’t lose if you control the donuts. Tremendous donuts!”

Canada’s response was characteristically polite yet firm: “Take our poutine if you must, but leave hockey out of this.”

“Bone Spurs on Ice”

Finally, in a bewildering twist, Trump claimed that if it weren’t for his “very painful bone spurs,” he would’ve personally taken to the ice and scored the winning goal himself. He assured supporters, “Nobody respects ice more than Trump. Ice loves me.” Skeptical reporters quickly noted that bone spurs rarely come up in hockey discussions, but Trump dismissed the criticism, insisting, “Fake doctors! Bone spurs make skating tough—ask any penguin.”

At this point, even the penguins declined to comment.

Trump wrapped up his icy saga by promising America a hockey rematch during his ongoing presidency, proclaiming, “Under my leadership, we’ll win so much hockey, you’ll get tired of skating. Winning is easy. Believe me.”

As the U.S. rolled its eyes and Canadians smiled politely, the world braced itself for the next chapter in Trump’s ongoing feud with reality, ice, and common sense.