Washington D.C. — President Donald Trump unveiled his new trade policy today, astonishing reporters, confusing economists, and immediately causing at least two math professors to resign. Standing beside economic advisor Peter Navarro, whose prior work includes attempting to mathematically prove that China is actually a hologram, the President introduced what he proudly called the Ultimate Reciprocal Infinity Tariff Formula™.
“I call it reciprocal because it reciprocates,” explained President Trump with absolute certainty. “And infinity because, believe me, these tariffs could go on forever. Maybe even longer.”
Navarro helpfully provided reporters with a one-page document containing a complicated equation featuring unexplained variables, doodles of golf clubs, and an arrow labeled simply, “Covfefe.” When pressed by journalists on the exact logic behind the formula, Navarro cheerfully replied, “Logic is a hoax.”
Trump confidently stated the tariff calculation involves multiplying China tariffs by his quarterly number of angry tweets, then adding the total number of golf trips he’s taken since taking office. He insisted CNN’s “plummeting ratings” (represented in the equation as an infinitely diminishing number) would exponentially inflate tariffs, balanced somewhat by Ivanka Trump’s approval ratings, which Navarro explained “add elegance and class” to otherwise chaotic math.
Markets Reacted Swiftly
The Dow Jones dropped and rose repeatedly, tracing a pattern resembling Trump’s own signature. Economic pundits, looking defeated and visibly confused on cable news, struggled to explain the mechanics of a tariff formula dependent on random tweets, golf frequency, and CNN’s nightly viewers.
Challenged further, Navarro admitted to reporters the denominator of the formula features “science and common sense” combined in an arrangement designed specifically to ignore reality, then proudly pointed out the administration’s “Stable Genius” constant, numerically set as negative one.
“It’s a very stable number,” Navarro said reassuringly. “The most stable we have.”
China’s government responded by politely informing Washington that their economists were unable to decipher the equation and had concluded it was probably a complicated prank. European leaders expressed similar confusion, with one German finance minister stating diplomatically, “We understand none of this, but we assume that’s the point.”
Damage Control
Meanwhile, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt attempted damage control, reminding reporters the President’s strategy was working exactly as planned—primarily because no one, including the President, fully understood what was going on.
“We have always said the President is playing multidimensional chess,” Leavitt asserted firmly. “You can’t see it, because it’s invisible.”
Asked whether tariffs calculated by the new formula would ever be enforceable, Trump shrugged, replying, “The beauty is, we can change it anytime we like. Maybe tomorrow, maybe never. Ask Covfefe.”
At press time, mathematicians worldwide collectively abandoned their profession, while economists debated the existential possibility that tariffs now exist in multiple quantum states simultaneously.