NEW YORK, NY — In a move that can only be described as “unfortunately predictable,” the U.N. Security Council was called back into emergency session late Tuesday night. The urgent matter? The ever-looming threat of America’s weapons of mass destruction once again teetering on the brink of falling into the wrong hands.
“For decades, we’ve feared terrorists getting their hands on nuclear weapons,” lamented Nicolas de Rivière, the French ambassador to the U.N. “Now, with the U.S. elections just months away, it’s déjà vu. We are once again staring down the possibility of an entire arsenal being placed under the control of, well, let’s say, a person with a track record of reckless disregard for international norms and, perhaps more concerningly, basic decency.”
Echoing de Rivière’s sentiments, Geng Shuang, the Chinese U.N. ambassador, minced no words in his remarks.
“The likelihood of Americans collectively deciding to set themselves on fire by electing this person again is, hopefully, slim,” Geng stated. “But let’s be honest—we didn’t think they’d elect an ex-reality T.V. host with a penchant for Twitter tantrums, and here we are, still cleaning up that mess.”
The council’s discussion focused heavily on the renewed candidacy of the former president, who has not only flirted with the idea of using nuclear weapons in the past but has also seemed disturbingly eager to see “what the big red button actually does.”
“Sure, there’s a good chance he won’t press it because he’s too busy trying to rewrite the Constitution in crayon,” de Rivière noted. “But are we willing to risk the world’s safety on the hope that his hands are too small to reach the button?”
In a rare moment of levity—or perhaps insanity—Vitaly Churkin’s successor, the current Russian Ambassador to the U.N., offered a different perspective.
“We think everyone’s overreacting,” the ambassador smirked. “Let’s not forget, he’s shown a remarkable willingness to listen to, shall we say, ‘experienced leaders.’ And by that, of course, I mean us—Mother Russia.”
The French ambassador, clearly unimpressed, shot back, “Oh, so he’ll listen to the U.N. now, will he? Because last time I checked, he only listens to the voice inside his own echo chamber.”
The Russian ambassador could barely contain his laughter. “No, no, not the U.N.,” he chortled. “He’ll listen to Russia. Always has, always will.”
The meeting concluded with the council agreeing to take no immediate action until after the November U.S. elections. However, a follow-up session was scheduled for November 6th, when the world might need to brace itself for the aftermath.
“We simply cannot afford to let these weapons fall into the wrong hands—again,” Ambassador Geng warned. “And let us all hope that this time, the American people don’t mistake a Cheeto-colored demagogue for a competent leader.”
Republished from The Political Garbage Chute.
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