Consequences, NH — Leaked internal memos from major cotton-swab manufacturers confirm what most Americans have suspected for decades: Q-tips were never meant for keyboards, jewelry, or whatever mysterious “small appliances” the box so cautiously mentions. Instead, they’ve secretly targeted our ears all along.
The damning memos, obtained by the courageous consumer advocacy group CASEC (Consumers Against Secret Ear Cleaning), reveal an orchestrated campaign of deceit spanning over half a century. “Our customers don’t buy cotton swabs to clean their remotes,” one memo brazenly states, dated May 1987. “It’s ears. It has always been ears. Let’s stop pretending.”
Adding fuel to the scandal, CASEC’s lead investigator, Lorraine Dawnish, dramatically announced, “This is bigger than Big Pharma. This is Big Cotton, and they’ve been in your ears from day one.”
Within hours of the leak, the law firm of Bernstein, Grumble & Fink filed an unprecedented class-action suit against swab manufacturers, representing clients who claim severe emotional and auditory trauma caused by decades of conflicting instructions. “My client trusted the disclaimers,” explained Attorney Randy Fink.
“He attempted cleaning the tiny grooves of his VCR and permanently damaged his VHS copy of ‘Top Gun.’ His entire life unraveled.”
Medical experts quickly chimed in.
Celebrity wellness entrepreneur Gwyneth Paltrow released a public service announcement via her lifestyle brand Goop, stating, “I’ve been warning people for years about cotton. It’s why I launched Goop’s organic, gluten-free ear-cleansing sticks made from sustainably harvested lemongrass.”
Predictably, political responses were swift and sensational. Robert F. Kennedy Jr., fresh off his proposal to replace fluoride with ivermectin toothpaste, suggested a Congressional inquiry, alleging, “The Deep State wants your ears filthy so you can’t hear the truth.” Meanwhile, Donald Trump weighed in via Truth Social: “Ears are tremendous. Cotton is beautiful. But Q-tips? Total disaster. We’re launching Trump Tips—gold-plated ear cleaners. You won’t believe how clean they’ll get your ears. Everyone’s saying it.”
Consumer outrage mounted rapidly, spreading through social media under hashtags like #CottonGate and #BigCottonLies. One viral TikTok featured a distressed influencer sobbing, “My AirPods never stayed clean. I trusted the Q-tip industry. My influencer credibility is ruined.”
Facing escalating public relations disaster, the swab industry’s trade group, the Cotton Swab Council of America (CSCA), issued a baffling press release that immediately made matters worse:
“We recognize consumers’ deep passion for ear hygiene. We have always said Q-tips were for external use only. Technically, your ear canal is still external to your skull. We’re lawyers, not anatomists.”
As of press time, CVS, Walgreens, and Target were reportedly scrambling to remove Q-tips from shelves, replacing them with branded ear-cleaning safety cones, approved by a new regulatory body called the National Institute of Patriotic Ear Health.
But will the American people trust again? Will they dare to swab without fear of corporate deception? Perhaps most importantly, can Big Cotton ever come clean?
Only time, and America’s ears, will tell.
