Tuscany, Italy — Listen up, you bunch of culinary morons, because I’m about to blow your mind with the secret ingredient to a fantastic turtle soup. Are you ready? Kale. That’s right, Kale. I can’t believe I even have to explain this to you, imbeciles. But I’ll humor you, because apparently, you need everything spelled out for you.
First off, let’s start with the turtles. Look, I know some of you “animal lovers” might have a problem with this, but let me tell you, turtles are delicious. And if you don’t agree with me, then you’re just plain moronic. So, go ahead and grab yourself a few fresh turtles, and for god’s sake, make sure they’re fresh. You don’t want to serve up some stinky, spoiled turtle soup to your guests, that would be just plain dumb.
Now, I know some of you might be thinking, ‘But Rachael, turtle soup is a classic dish!’ And I get it, I really do. But here’s the thing: the process of obtaining turtle meat is not only cruel, but it’s also ecologically damaging. These creatures are being taken from their natural habitats, and their populations are being depleted at an alarming rate.
But it’s not just the turtles that are suffering. The kale, too, is grown using harmful pesticides and fertilizers, contributing to the destruction of our planet. And let’s not even get started on the carbon footprint of shipping these ingredients from all over the globe.
Next, we’ve got the kale. Now, I know some of you might be thinking, “Rachel, why the hell would I put kale in my turtle soup?” Well, let me tell you, kale adds a certain earthiness and depth of flavor that you just can’t get from any other ingredient. And if you don’t believe me, then you’re just plain ignorant.
Now, let’s get down to the recipe. And listen up, because I’m only going to say this once. But before I give it to you, let me remind you: the consumption of turtle soup is not only cruel, but it’s also ecologically damaging.
Ingredients:
2 fresh turtles
1 bunch of kale, finely chopped
1 onion, diced
2 cloves of garlic, minced
4 cups of chicken broth
Salt and pepper, to taste
Instructions:
- In a large pot, sauté the onion and garlic until softened. (Commentary: The onion and garlic are likely to be conventionally grown, meaning they have been treated with harmful pesticides. The transportation of these ingredients also contributes to the carbon footprint)
- Add the turtle meat and cook until browned. (Commentary: The process of obtaining turtle meat is not only cruel, but it’s also ecologically damaging. These creatures are being taken from their natural habitats, and their populations are being depleted at an alarming rate.)
- Pour in the chicken broth and bring to a simmer. (Commentary: The chicken broth is likely to come from conventionally raised chickens that are kept in inhumane conditions and are fed with genetically modified feed)
- Add the kale and cook until wilted. (Commentary: The kale is likely to be conventionally grown, meaning it has been treated with harmful pesticides. The transportation of this ingredient also contributes to the carbon footprint)
- Season with salt and pepper, to taste. (Commentary: Salt and pepper are likely to be conventionally grown and may have been treated with harmful pesticides)
- Serve hot, and enjoy the taste of destruction and cruelty in your mouth.
So, the next time you’re tempted to order this dish, think about the turtles, the kale, and the planet. And then order something else.
