A Severed Hand
23 Things You Should Never Put in Your Refrigerator
Michael Stephen
Michael has been through pretty much everything, and his sole aspiration is to get you through it more quickly and with less pain.
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Living
Cats, Dogs, and Ducks Spotted at Ohio Kamala Harris Campaign Headquarters
Springfield, OH, is in chaos as pets mysteriously migrate to Kamala Harris's campaign headquarters. Local conspiracy theorists cry foul, claiming everything from crisis actors to pet ghosts. Meanwhile, Haitian immigrants express confusion over the absurd allegations. As ducks unionize and dogs play security, the line between political circus and animal house blurs in this fur-flying election season.
National News
Surgical Report Shows Trump’s Brains Were Blown Out in Assassination Attempt
A surgical report reveals that Donald Trump's brains were blown out during an assassination attempt earlier this year, though no one seemed to notice. Now, his increasingly bizarre campaign trail rants include musings on Kamala Harris being raised by werewolves and windmills attacking liberals. Is Trump the future? Or just missing his mind?
National News
Trump Signs Several Tombstones at Arlington at Families’ Requests
During a visit to Arlington National Cemetery, Donald Trump reportedly signed several tombstones, claiming it was at the request of grieving families. His campaign insists the act was meant to honor the deceased, while critics accuse Trump of turning a sacred site into a campaign prop. The incident, involving Section 60, has sparked outrage and disbelief.
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Living
Texas Elementary School Under Fire for Staging Old Testament Murder Play
A Texas elementary school stages a shockingly violent Old Testament reenactment, sparking cheers from evangelicals, outrage from moderates, and a nationwide debate on religion, education, and the boundaries of public faith expression.
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Texas Elementary School Under Fire for Staging Old Testament Murder Play
A Texas elementary school stages a shockingly violent Old Testament reenactment, sparking cheers from evangelicals, outrage from moderates, and a nationwide debate on religion, education, and the boundaries of public faith expression.
Elon Musk’s Dept. of Government Efficiency Demands a $1 Trillion Dollar Budget
Elon Musk's Department of Government Efficiency shocks Washington with a $1 trillion budget request filled with outlandish items like laser-guided detectors and a morale-boosting Dogecoin fund. Musk's ongoing presence at Mar-a-Lago stirs amusement and mild annoyance, with Trump reportedly telling a waiter, "He's your problem now." Public reactions range from raised eyebrows to full-blown cackles in true Monty Python fashion
McDonald’s Experimenting with “Food Bong” To Pump Big Macs into Drive Thru Customer’s Stomachs.
In Dayton, Ohio, McDonald’s unveils its “Food Bong,” a device that feeds Big Macs directly to customers. Trump supporters hail this as proof of the “Trump effect” on everyday life, while across the street, Burger King, ever the attention-seeker, counters with a stomach pump deal for $1.99. Fast food meets politics in a showdown of indulgence and spectacle.
