Austin, TX — Alex Jones has blown the lid off a secret government plot to keep the price of McDonald’s 20-piece Chicken McNuggets suspiciously high. And by “blown the lid off,” I mean he yelled for an hour and a half on his show, waving around what appeared to be a grease-stained receipt.
According to Jones, the Biden administration is colluding with globalist elites, Big Chicken (yes, that’s a thing), and, presumably, a secret cabal of sinister fry cooks to ensure that your nuggets never cost less than $10.99. “The Deep Fry State has infiltrated the American fast food industry,” Jones rumbled, mid-rant, as his audience presumably pondered whether they had wandered into a fever dream or a cooking show gone wrong.
But that’s just the beginning. Strap in, folks—things are about to get crispy.
The Deep Fry State
For years, conspiracy theorists have been warning us about the Deep State—shadowy government officials working behind the scenes. But apparently, that wasn’t specific enough for Jones. No, this is The Deep Fry State, and they don’t just want to spy on your phone calls or take your guns—they want your McNuggets. They want them expensive, under-seasoned, and, ideally, served without enough Sweet & Sour sauce.
Jones claims that these operatives—undoubtedly wearing dark suits and wielding spatulas—have been instructed by Biden himself to keep nugget prices inflated. “It’s part of a long-term agenda,” Jones yelled, possibly with a nugget in each hand. “The more you pay for these fried treasures, the more control they have over you. They’re not just nuggets, people—they’re a mechanism of mind control!”
Cluckspiracy
Now, to the untrained ear, Jones’s theory might sound absurd. But consider this: Why did McDonald’s, a humble fast-food joint, suddenly become the battleground for global domination? According to Jones, it’s because Biden has been secretly working with “nugget overlords,” an elite group of poultry CEOs (because, of course, those exist), to ensure that the average American can never afford more than a 20-piece McNugget at a time.
And why stop there? “They’re deliberately keeping us from the 40-piece,” Jones bellowed, with the conviction of a man who’s both seen the truth and possibly eaten too many nuggets in one sitting. “Because the truth is in the nuggets. Once you hit 40 pieces, you’ll start asking questions they don’t want you to ask.”
Questions like, “Why are we still talking about chicken nuggets?” and “Is Alex Jones okay?”
McNuggets as Currency
But here’s where things take a turn for the apocalyptic. Jones suggested—nay, declared—that McNuggets are poised to become the future currency of the New World Order. “Forget Bitcoin! The McNugget is the new gold standard!” he hollered, as several unpaid interns likely tried to figure out how to stop him.
According to Jones, once Biden and his nugget-overlords succeed in pushing the price of a 20-piece over $15, McNuggets will become more valuable than actual chicken. Jones insisted, “We won’t be trading dollars or yen in the future. No! It’ll be ‘I’ll give you two McNuggets for that gallon of gas’ or ‘three nuggets for a Starbucks latte.’ This is all part of their plan, people!”
Feathers of the Federal Reserve
Jones didn’t stop there, obviously. The Federal Reserve—yes, the Federal Reserve, which you may have thought was just involved in boring financial stuff—has been weaponized by Biden to make McNugget prices skyrocket. This is “Nuggetflation,” a word Jones made up on the spot but delivered with such conviction that you almost believed it was part of your high school economics class.
“This is how the next recession will happen!” Jones screamed, dramatically pulling a chart out of nowhere, showing a line graph labeled “McNuggets Prices” steadily climbing while stock markets crumble around it. “Forget Wall Street—the collapse will start at the drive-thru window!”
The Sauce Shortage Conspiracy
As if the nugget pricing wasn’t terrifying enough, Jones also claimed that the actual plan—the real plan—is to limit the amount of sauce available with each nugget purchase. That’s right, folks: it’s not just your wallet they’re after; it’s your dipping options.
Sweet & Sour, Barbecue, Honey Mustard? Good luck. Jones states this deliberate sauce drought is designed to sow confusion and chaos among the fast-food faithful. “If they can control the sauces, they control your happiness!” he shouted, probably while biting into a dry McNugget.
The White House has yet to ‘state the sauce’ situation, though sources close to the Biden administration have expressed concern that this is, in fact, a thing we’re talking about.
Chicken Littles and the Sky-High Prices
It’s clear that, according to Jones, the Biden administration isn’t just keeping nugget prices high—they’re deliberately depriving the American people of the simple joy of affordable, deep-fried poultry. But don’t worry, folks. Jones says he’s got the solution. “We’re starting a movement! Nugget Freedom Now! We’ll fight this corrupt system by eating more nuggets than they can raise prices on!”
As of press time, Jones had reportedly consumed an entire 20-piece on air and was considering launching a new nutritional supplement that promised to protect your immune system from overpriced chicken products.
Meanwhile, McDonald’s executives have declined to comment, probably because they were too busy wondering how they got dragged into this mess in the first place.
Stay tuned for the next installment of Fast Food Conspiracies You Didn’t Know You Needed, where Alex Jones is expected to tackle the real reason the McRib is seasonal.
