Amazon.com Pantry to Offer Livestock

Seattle, WA — The online retail giant Amazon.com announced late Friday afternoon that it planned to use its popular “Prime Pantry” service to start shipping livestock directly to consumers. The move, expected by industry insiders, is expected to boost the bottom line of the Internet’s largest retailer.

“Our customers have come to expect the best from Amazon.com,” said EVP of Merchandising and Marketing Seth Bremfall, “and Earth’s largest selection. However, untapped markets still need to be explored, and we think our Prime Pantry Livestock service serves such a demand. Look, how many kids out there want a pet goat or a turtle for Christmas? And who wants the hassle of going to a pet store? So the math for us was pretty simple.”

According to industry insiders, this is a wise move by the retailer.

“The ‘grow local’ market is expanding rapidly,” said commodity analyst Jim “The Jeff” Bremfall of Morgan Stanley. “The big boys are starting to notice all the chickens and other livestock in backyards, and rather than fighting the trend, the segment leaders are embracing and supplying the need. It’s pretty smart.”

To meet this demand, agri-suppliers are partnering with the retail giant to ensure products can be delivered “just in time” with minimal animal fatalities.

“Here at Tyson, we know how to move large amounts of product,” said Tyson Foods director of Communications Stacy Bremfall Williamson. “For decades, Tyson has been the leader in animal proteins. With this new opportunity, we’ll be supplying live animals instead of processed ones.”

Not everyone is thrilled about this latest “eCommerce-to-table” development, as insiders are calling it.

“Who the hell wants to carry a box of chickens or a goat or two on their vehicle?” questioned a local postal worker who chose to remain anonymous. “This has got to be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. How the hell is a goat going to be able to live in a box for three days?”

Amazon.com will be running a trial version of this service in Kirkwood, MS, Des Moines, IA, and Grass Valley, CA.