Greenville, DE — It was an unseasonably warm afternoon in Delaware, and Joe Biden stood on the driveway of his home, a single scoop of mint chocolate chip already melting in his hand. He let out a deep sigh, the kind a man makes when he knows he’s lost an argument before it even started.
“Alright, listen up, folks,” he said, squinting into the sun. “I’m just gonna say it now—I take full responsibility for whatever Trump does next.”
As he licked his ice cream and shrugged, Biden said, “Why wait? We all know how this goes.”
A small press gaggle, drawn in by the rumor that Biden might finally clap back at Trump’s endless blame game, is momentarily stunned into silence. This is not what they expected.
“I mean, hell,” Biden continued, leaning against his old Corvette like Jim Rockford, that is, if Jim Rockford was still alive and had a Corvette. “Stock market tanks? That’s on me. Trump’s tariffs send prices through the roof? My bad. He nukes the housing market while renaming the IRS ‘The Trump Family Collection Agency’? Yep, should’ve stopped him.”
He looked up as a flock of geese passed overhead. “I’ll probably get blamed for those too.”
A light breeze rustled the oak trees, carrying with it the faint sound of Fox News playing on a neighbor’s outdoor television. A panelist is already calling Biden’s ice cream choice “un-American.”
“The American people deserve stability,” Biden continued. “And what’s more stable than me being the reason for all of Trump’s screw-ups? I figure I might as well get ahead of it this time.”
As he let the weight of the moment hang in the air before taking another bite. The reporters exchanged glances—there’s nothing left to ask. He said it all. The former president turned, headed toward his front door, and just before stepping inside, he muttered one last thing under his breath:
“I swear to God, if he tanks the economy and they still call it ‘Bidenomics,’ I’m moving to Canada.”
But we all know he won’t. Someone’s got to stick around and take the blame.
The Quantum Recession: It Exists and It Doesn’t
Vice President JD Vance, in a statement earlier this week, cautiously warned that the economy may or may not be heading toward a recession, though he reassured Americans that “the fundamentals are strong.”
When pressed to clarify how a recession could happen under an economy with “strong fundamentals,” Vance responded in his signature snarky and undeserving overconfidence.
“Well, look, if there is a recession, that’s obviously because of Biden’s disastrous policies. If there isn’t a recession, then that’s due to Trump’s strong leadership. The important thing is that you remember both of these statements at the same time.”
Economic analysts have since referred to this as “Schrödinger’s Recession,” a financial collapse that both exists and does not exist, depending on who is talking.
Trump Supporters Explain Biden’s Fault
Despite Trump being in office for months now, his loyal supporters remain steadfast in their belief that any current economic troubles are Biden’s doing.
The Fazzler took to the streets to speak with Trump supporters about the issue. Their responses were illuminating.
Rodney Blankenship, 52, an upper Wolk Creek illegal part-time gold panner and full-time conspiracy theorist who says he’s from Reno, but he’s really from Lake of the Pines, had this to say.
“Listen, the price of everything is going up because of Biden. I don’t care what the so-called ‘timeline’ says. That man left a mess so big it’s still destroying America, even with Trump working day and night to fix it. You ever seen a clogged toilet back up for weeks after the guy who clogged it left the house? That’s what Biden did. He clogged America’s economy. And Trump is the plumber, but we can’t expect him to fix it overnight, can we?”
When asked about Trump’s executive orders placing tariffs on allies, leading to market instability, Blankenship was adamant:
“Trump had to do that! America First! Look, the economy is doing great except for the parts Biden ruined.”
When we pointed out that these economic struggles only began after Trump’s recent executive orders, Blankenship narrowed his eyes and whispered, “That’s what they want you to think.”
Meanwhile, Charlene DeWitt, 46, who owns and operates a small women’s clothing store on Mill Street in Grass Valley, also blamed Biden for the current economic uncertainty.
“I just don’t feel as financially secure as I did a few years ago,” she said while drinking a Starbucks latte and scrolling Zillow listings for her second vacation home. “I don’t really know how economies work, but I feel like Biden did something bad.”
When informed that Trump had, in fact, signed multiple economic policies that exacerbated inflation, DeWitt scoffed:
“Oh, please. If Biden didn’t want to be blamed, he should’ve just done a better job before he left.”
Trump’s Response: The Best Economy Ever, But Also a Disaster
Despite Biden’s unprecedented acceptance of all blame, Trump continues to claim that his economy is the “greatest in American history” while simultaneously warning that it is “on the verge of collapse due to Biden’s ghost policies.”
“The economy is STRONGER THAN EVER! But also, it’s a total disaster. Many people are saying Biden’s fingerprints are STILL ALL OVER IT. Not my fault! RECORD SUCCESS! But also, WORST IN HISTORY! Very sad!” Said in a recent Truth social post.
When asked to clarify, Trump surrogates advised during an oval office presser that he is “just agreeing with both statements” for maximum patriotism.
“I’m Just Gonna Pre-Apologize for Everything.”
By now, Biden looked like a man who had just realized his tab at the bar was way bigger than he thought but knew he had to pay it anyway. He rubbed his forehead and exhaled slowly.
“Alright,” he muttered, mostly to himself. “I’m sorry in advance.”
The press leaned in.
“For the deficit increase. For the stock market crash. For gas prices. For the hurricane that’s gonna hit in September. For whatever the hell Trump tweets that causes an entire industry to collapse overnight.” He shrugged, rolling his shoulders like an old prizefighter who knew he was about to take another round of hits. “Just put it all on my tab.”
A plane rumbled overhead. Somewhere, a Fox News producer was already cutting this into a segment called Biden Finally Admits Fault.
Biden glanced at his ice cream—mint chocolate chip, melting fast. He took a slow bite, then pulled his aviators down just a little, peering over them at the gathered reporters.
“Y’all got what you need?” he asked, already turning to go.
He didn’t wait for an answer. Just tipped his sunglasses back into place, took another bite of ice cream, and headed inside.
Because what else was there to say? The guy had just apologized for things that hadn’t even happened yet.
So Now What?
Meanwhile, over on Capitol Hill, Republican lawmakers are putting the finishing touches on a new bill, “The Presidential Accountability Relief Act,” which would formally designate Biden as the official scapegoat for all White House decisions through at least 2030. The bill, sponsored by a coalition of Trump loyalists, would ensure that no matter what happens—from economic collapse to a mysterious nationwide shortage of Big Macs—the blame would be swiftly redirected to the former president.
“We just think it’s the most efficient way to govern,” said one anonymous GOP strategist. “That way, President Trump can focus on leading without all the distractions of accountability.”
The bill is expected to pass along party lines, with one Republican senator reportedly suggesting that Biden be retroactively blamed for Watergate and the Great Depression as well, just to be thorough.
Across the country, Trump supporters nod in agreement, relieved to know that if things go south, at least they won’t have to rethink anything.
