Seattle, WA – As the 2024 presidential race enters its final days, billionaires are once again raising alarms about the “dangers” of socialism. The Galt Alliance, an anonymous group of the ultra-wealthy, took to social media to remind Americans that “moochers” are the true threat to society, not billionaires.
“It’s us who keep the wheels turning,” they claimed, “providing the capital that makes America great—just like Trump working at McDonald’s. You think anyone else could flip burgers and a tax code like that?”
Meanwhile, tech moguls like Elon Musk and Peter Thiel are stepping out of the shadows and into the spotlight of Trump’s re-election campaign. Musk, now openly supporting Trump with over $70 million in donations, is using his wealth and influence to court the “bro vote” while spreading wild conspiracy theories about the perils of a Kamala Harris presidency. Thiel, not one to be outdone, is quietly funding projects designed to keep libertarian dreams alive—ensuring billionaires remain America’s best hope (or so they say).
As Trump busily perfects his fast-food act, his billionaire backers are making it clear that they are the real architects behind America’s future. The Galt Alliance, inspired by Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, offered the final word: “We get up every morning and put our pants on one leg at a time—just like you. Except ours are made from the finest silk and spun by underpaid labor overseas. When you’re done idolizing us, please remember to sweep the tennis court.”
For their part, many Americans continue to express gratitude to their benevolent overlords.
“Hey, I’ve never worked for a poor person,” said Hensen Calberts, a Memphis construction worker and father of three. “These guys make their money by sitting on it, while I make mine by ruining my back—totally fair. It’s not like they need us; they just remind us that they could do all this without us, if they wanted. Which is nice, I guess.”
When pressed for further comment, the Galt Alliance admitted, “We really don’t care about the working class. The only thing we care about is keeping them busy with conspiracy theories and debt. That way, they’ll worship us without ever questioning the power we hold over them.”
It appears that the greatest trick the ultra-wealthy have ever pulled is convincing the rest of the country to cheer them on while they collect the trophies.
