Las Vegas, NV — In what historians are already calling “the most significant diplomatic summit since Yalta, or at least since that time Trump tried to buy Greenland,” renowned statesmen Carrot Top and Larry the Cable Guy gathered at the Mirage Hotel and Casino on Tuesday to broker an end to the war in Ukraine.
The meeting, held in a repurposed conference room sandwiched between a magic show and an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet, was not attended by any actual Ukrainian officials. Instead, the fate of Ukraine rested in the hands of a prop comic and a man whose foreign policy experience begins and ends with barbecue sauce endorsements.
A Diplomatic Spectacle for the Ages
The summit opened with Carrot Top (widely recognized as the orange-tinted face of American diplomacy) presenting his “Peace Plan,” which consisted of a giant novelty scroll, a rubber chicken wearing a bulletproof vest, and an oversized yo-yo labeled ‘De-escalation.’
“I think peace should be fun,” Carrot Top declared, donning a pair of Groucho Marx glasses. “If we make it fun, people will wanna do it more!”
Larry the Cable Guy, flanked by aides in camo Crocs, responded with a rousing “Git-R-Done!”—a phrase that State Department officials later confirmed was not legally binding, but did have a certain patriotic flair.
The Absence of Ukraine: A Scheduling Mix-Up or a Diplomatic Masterstroke?
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, a former comedian himself, was notably absent from the negotiations. Sources close to the Mirage’s event planning team suggest this was due to a scheduling error that double-booked the venue with a bachelorette party and a retired magician’s convention.
Zelenskyy, attempting to join the meeting via Zoom, was reportedly disconnected after Carrot Top used the hotel WiFi to livestream a workout video.
Frustrated by his exclusion, the Ukrainian president responded by booking his own comedy special at Caesar’s Palace titled Democracy & Dumbasses: A Night with Zelenskyy. Reviews were mixed, with one critic calling it “an unrelenting, 90-minute roast of international diplomacy” and another noting, “He really nailed the Carrot Top impression.”
Saudi Arabia’s Investment in Comedy-Based Diplomacy
The negotiations received significant backing from Saudi Arabia, whose Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MBS) reportedly sees comedy as a key part of modern conflict resolution.
“The Saudi government is committed to peace,” a spokesperson said, “and also to securing exclusive residency deals for all Vegas headliners.”
MBS, who was unable to attend in person due to “business reasons” (i.e., purchasing another Premier League soccer team), sent an envoy armed with an open checkbook and a signed contract for Carrot Top to perform a six-month run in Riyadh.
Surprisingly, the fine print of the proposed peace plan revealed a massive weapons deal concealed as a casino poker tournament buy-in. Diplomats feigned surprise, despite this being standard practice at every major geopolitical summit since the 1980s.
A Breakthrough Agreement, or Just Another Mirage?
As negotiations wore on, it became clear that neither side actually knew what they were negotiating.
At one point, Carrot Top attempted to physically demonstrate “territorial compromise” by pulling out a giant saw and pretending to cut a map of Ukraine in half. This, reportedly, was the first time Larry the Cable Guy looked visibly alarmed.
Despite the confusion, the talks were deemed a resounding success after Larry agreed to endorse a Ukrainian tractor company in exchange for Russia lifting its vodka tariffs. A ceasefire was tentatively discussed, but ultimately tabled after both men became distracted by the announcement of $1 margaritas at the hotel bar.
A World Confused, Yet Weirdly Optimistic
The media’s reaction to the summit was mixed:
CNN called it “A fascinating experiment in low-stakes, high-entertainment diplomacy.”
Fox News declared, “Finally, two REAL Americans are stepping up.”
The New York Times ran a 3,000-word analysis suggesting that Carrot Top’s use of props represented a bold new school of “comedic statecraft.”
Meanwhile, Zelenskyy’s only statement was a tweet containing a single facepalm emoji.
Could This Be the Future of Diplomacy?
While critics dismissed the event as “an unserious circus of American mediocrity,” some foreign policy experts noted that this meeting accomplished just as much—if not more—than previous real-world peace talks.
“The fact is,” one analyst noted, “at no point did either Carrot Top or Larry the Cable Guy actively make things worse. Which, frankly, is more than we can say for traditional diplomacy.”
As the negotiations concluded, Carrot Top and Larry the Cable Guy emerged from the Mirage Casino victorious, arms around each other, announcing their plan to take their “Peace Tour” worldwide. Next stop? Pyongyang.
“Diplomacy ain’t hard,” Larry the Cable Guy remarked as they walked off into the neon glow of Las Vegas Boulevard. “You just gotta Git-R-Done.”
The world, for better or worse, had no choice but to agree.
