North San Juan, CA — North San Juan resident, part-time chemtrail researcher, and amateur ionizing radiation hobbyist Skyy Wolford announced to a somewhat disinterested crowd out in front of the Sierra Super Stop that Asheville, North Carolina is an elaborate hoax and does not exist. Mr. Wolford, recently in the news following his landmark Wi-Fi disability settlement, has been studying what he calls “the Asheville anomaly” for the past three years.
“There’s this thing I learned on the Internet called the Bielefeld effect,” said a mood-elevated Mr. Wolford in a The Fazzler telephone interview. “It’s where there’s this illusion that someplace actually exists. People talk about it. They even claim to know people there. But it’s all fake. They’re either part of the conspiracy to keep the hoax alive or delusional.”
The Bielefeld effect (also known as the Bielefeld conspiracy) originated in 1994 in the German Usenet, which claimed that the city of Bielefeld does not exist but is an illusion propagated by various Illuminati forces. Initially an internet phenomenon, the effect has spread to other hoax cities like Asheville, North Carolina. To this day, German Chancellor Angela Merkel refers to Bielefeld in her speeches, even though the city doesn’t exist.
Asheville is supposedly located in the western part of North Carolina and has been pushed as a logistics hub due to its location. However, after three attempts to contact the local government by The Fazzler with no success, Mr. Wolford’s observations seem less batshit crazy.
“Look,” continued Mr. Wolford, “it’s straightforward to prove that Asheville doesn’t exist. All you have to do is answer these three questions. Number one. Do you know anyone from Asheville? Two. Have you ever been to Asheville, North Carolina? And lastly, number three. Do you know anybody who has ever been to Asheville?”
The Fazzler reached out to the local community and asked them Mr. Wolford’s three questions.
“Asheville, North Carolina, is not a real town! Google it, and you will find out for yourself! I lived in North Carolina and drove to where Asheville was supposed to be,” said Christopher J. Rushin of Grass Valley, “I’ve been ‘there,’ there’s nothing there but trees and houses and people and shit. No signs of civilization whatsoever.”
Others were more philosophical about the hoax, maintaining that they might have only dreamed about the city.
“I’ve been to Asheville, and now that I think about it, it probably doesn’t exist,” commented Justin Anderson of Penn Valley, CA. “The place did seem too perfect, like a dream or something.”
Still, others were a part of the conspiracy calling people who believe such things “stupid idiots.”
“I’m a truck driver. Live in Charlotte, and I get many shipments to and out from Asheville, North Carolina,” said a North Carolina truck driver who wished to remain anonymous, bolstering his status as a Mossad/CIA operative. “My wife grew up in the Asheville/Weaverville area. So for you to even state Asheville doesn’t exist as a town or city, whatever you want to call it, makes me believe you are an idiot. Or a troll. Or a Bernie Sanders supporter.”
As for Mr. Wolford, he gave The Fazzler an old, “I told you so.”
“Nice try,” continued Mr. Wolford. “You thought I was making this up, didn’t you? Well, now you know what I know. As soon as you run into someone who was a Mossad operative, they immediately start calling you an idiot for calling out the Asheville hoax. But you get used to it after a while. Your skin gets tough with this thing I like to call ‘The Truth.'”
