Austin, TX — Elon Musk, America’s wealthiest man-child and the world’s most productive deadbeat dad, announced today he’s stepping down from his high-profile role at the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), citing a desire to “spend more time with his stock options.” In a press conference toggling between megalomania and deeply confused sentimentality, Musk framed the move as a necessary “pivot back to family values.”
But not the values you’re thinking of. Not the baseball-on-the-lawn, Dad-at-the-grill kind. No, Musk has opted instead to nurture what he proudly calls “his most promising child yet, “a 2022 Tesla equity grant he has legally renamed CAPTCHA.
And in a country already chugging Diet Dictatorship by the gallon, few were particularly surprised.
CAPTCHA: A Father’s Most Liquid Love
Standing on the balcony of his Austin techno-compound, known locally as “Galt’s Gulch for Guys Who Haven’t Slept Since 2019,” Musk formally introduced CAPTCHA: a laminated, fully dilutable Tesla stock option with staggered vesting and no emotional demands whatsoever.
Wrapped lovingly in a blanket embroidered with “To the Moon, Baby,” CAPTCHA swayed gently in Musk’s arms like a newborn. Nearby, a Tesla engineer misted it periodically with a lightly scented macroeconomic forecast.
“This one…this one really understands me,” Musk whispered, visibly choked up. “CAPTCHA doesn’t cry when I miss birthdays. CAPTCHA never asks about Mommy. CAPTCHA doesn’t care if I tweet at 3AM about ancient Sumerian AI. She just compounds.”
For Musk, a man whose hobbies include dismantling public transit, accusing rescue divers of pedophilia, and fathering children the way most people collect crypto, CAPTCHA represents the first familial bond immune to subpoenas.
The Children Left Holding the Bag
Of course, not all of Musk’s progeny are thrilled with his new paternal priority. Musk has fathered eleven known children with three confirmed women, and possibly more if you count blockchain-pending embryos. Their names read like dystopian license plates: X Æ A-12, Exa Dark Sideræl, Techno Mechanica, and reportedly at least one kid simply named Greg—which somehow seems most alarming of all.
Many reside in Musk’s geodome complex outside Austin, part daycare, part startup accelerator, part containment facility. Sources report that the children communicate primarily in base-12, supervised by a rotating cast of underpaid cyber-nannies and a semi-feral Boston Dynamics robot affectionately named Uncle Carl.
“He FaceTimed us once,” one child recounted via Neuralink-to-toaster transmission. “We thought it’d be a bedtime story, but then he just screamed ‘buy the dip’ and disconnected.”
One mother, speaking on condition of anonymity (but definitely Grimes), described the family dynamic bluntly: “He’s raising CAPTCHA like the crown prince of Mars. Meanwhile, the rest of us are out here crowdfunding our co-parenting therapy.”
The children, for their part, recently founded a support group called Sons & Daughters of Dilution (SDD), meeting weekly to air grievances and hedge emotional volatility.
DOGE Left Holding the Tweet
But Musk’s parental pivot isn’t just impacting his sprawling family; it has orphaned his pet government experiment, DOGE, as well.
Back in Washington, DOGE (an acronym Elon personally insisted upon during a bout of ketamine-enabled brainstorming) is reeling from his sudden departure. Initially conceived as a hyper-minimalist think tank whose mission was to “replace government with vibes,” DOGE’s major accomplishments include removing all vowels from federal memos and replacing the IRS with a group chat.
“Elon was our guiding light,” lamented acting DOGE Secretary Kyle Wrenchman, a former Thiel fellow who once invested in a blockchain-based handshake. “His vision, a nation run entirely on impulse, AI, and fatherless children, will be sorely missed.”
When asked about Musk’s successor, President Trump reportedly suggested Kanye West, a novelty Twitter account, or possibly a Tesla Model S if it could be programmed to nod approvingly.
Love, Actually (If By Love, You Mean Equities)
Despite criticism, Musk insists this decision wasn’t about abandonment—at least not entirely. Instead, he argues it’s about clarity, focus, and the kind of fatherhood free of emotional burdens, school pickups, or pesky legal depositions.
“People say I’m running away from responsibility,” Musk told a Bloomberg reporter while gently feeding CAPTCHA a spoonful of dividend projections. “But I see it differently. This is about returning to what matters most. It’s about being present—not necessarily in the room, but definitely in the market.”
As the press conference concluded, Musk gazed skyward, presumably toward Mars, or a tax shelter, or both. Then, placing CAPTCHA into a custom-milled walnut cradle beside a chilled bottle of oatmilk and a laser pointer, he whispered the words every child dreams of hearing:
“You’re the only one who can still make me a trillionaire.”
