Washington, D.C. — Elon Musk’s newly anointed Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has boldly requested a $1 trillion budget. According to sources, the proposal was delivered in a PowerPoint presentation featuring slides that alternated between bar graphs and memes of Dogecoin.
Musk, resplendent in a suit that seemed to double as a solar panel, took the podium in the White House press room. “Efficiency,” he announced with the gravity of a man unveiling a plan to colonize Saturn’s moons, “does not come cheap. The government is like a very large, very sleepy robot, and I intend to wake it up with a trillion-dollar jolt.” Behind him, a choir of bureaucrats in metallic robes hummed ominously, ready to burst into their theme song, “We’re Trimming the Fat.”
The budget breakdown reads like a ‘Tech bro‘ fever dream. Here are some of the highlights:
- $200 billion for ‘laser-guided efficiency detectors’ that have no clear function but beep with purpose.
- $90 billion for ‘Dogecoin morale boosters,’ wherein Elon himself will distribute digital coins to employees while muttering, “For efficiency, for morale, for lunch.” And, in a stroke of pure fiscal genius,
- $60 billion allocated for a department choir. No one has explained why they need such a budget, but they do sing a rousing “We’re Trimming the Fat!” whenever the mood strikes.
- $50 billion for the “Department of Redundancy Department,” which will oversee oversight committees that ensure all other committees have their oversight overseen. This department will meet biweekly to discuss whether the previous week’s oversight was sufficiently handled and if further oversight is needed to oversee the oversight.
The Trump Factor Musk’s newly deep-rooted ties with Donald Trump have only added more spice to the spectacle. Insiders at Mar-a-Lago have reported the duo’s meetings that start with discussions on regulation cuts but end with Musk doing impromptu product pitches in the lounge. One attendee, wishing to remain anonymous but described as wearing a MAGA hat and nursing a faint sense of déjà vu, whispered, “He’s always here. It’s like that visiting drunk college buddy who just… never leaves.”
Rumor has it, Trump, ever fond of theatrics, began shouting, “Efficiency!” with Musk at their last lunch meeting. However, that camaraderie allegedly took a turn when Musk proposed launching a SpaceX rocket from the resort’s golf course to “test efficiency in high orbit.” The former president, half-amused and half-exasperated, responded with, “Elon, I like big plans, but this is starting to feel like one of those late-night infomercials.”
The public reaction across the USA has ranged from skeptical eyebrow raises to full-blown cackles. The Congressional Budget Office issued a brief statement reading, “We thought this was a Monty Python skit until we double-checked.” Meanwhile, a spokesperson from the Office of Management and Budget reportedly sighed, “At least he’s honest about how much he’s overbudgeting this time.”
Hipsters across land, known for their knack for sussing out the absurd, weighed in.
John James Johns from Topeka, Kansas, clad in flannel and holding an organic latte, remarked, “If this means we’ll get more memes out of Washington, I say we let him have it. But only if we get front-row seats.”
The Future of DOGE While the trillion-dollar request remains a point of contention, Musk assured the nation, “This isn’t just spending. This is investment. Investment in the kind of efficiency that makes zero sense now but will be legendary in hindsight.” With his newfound affection for D.C. politics and more time at Mar-a-Lago than most retirees, one can only wonder what Elon will pitch next—a $10 billion budget for “moon-based bipartisan retreats,” perhaps?
Until then, Washington waits. And at Mar-a-Lago, Trump reportedly eyes his lingering guest with a mix of nostalgia and the nagging realization that Musk’s version of trimming the fat might mean adding a whole lot of zeros to the bill.
Trump was last seen motioning at a Mar-a-Lago waiter, pointing at Musk, and mouthing, “He’s your problem now.”
