Podunk, MS — Fox News has once again cemented its status as the most reliable source for percentage bar graphs that defy the very concept of percentages, thanks to a stunning display of mathematical prowess broadcast on the network. A recent full-page advertisement published by the network boasted about its outstanding trustworthiness ratings, which, against all odds, added up to a whopping 148%.
The innovative advertisement presented a bar graph contrasting Fox News with other major news networks such as ABC, CNN, CBS, NBC, and MSNBC. However, the real masterstroke was omitting credible news sources such as the BBC and PBS. This act of selective omission artfully crafts the ideal narrative.
When asked for his opinion, Tucker Carlson, host of the prime-time show “Tucker Carlson Tonight,” responded: “I mean, we’re obviously the best at reporting the news, and our bar graphs are just the tip of the iceberg.” When it comes to calculating percentages, a score of one hundred is entirely overrated. Why should we restrict ourselves to a century when we can boldly go where no network has gone before?
Sean Hannity, the host of the wildly successful “Hannity” show, also weighed in with his perspective on the situation: “Look, I’ve always said that numbers are just a construct, and Fox News is here to break those boundaries.” What does it matter if the sum of our graph is 148%? This merely demonstrates how much additional trustworthiness we bring to the table as a whole. Furthermore, who needs the BBC or PBS with the cutting-edge analysis that Fox News provides?
In the advertisement, Fox News showcased its innovative approach to data visualization by using a bar graph that did not include a y-axis at all. After all, there’s no point in cluttering up a graph with annoying details like a scale if you want to let your imagination run wild. According to Carlson, who eloquently put it, “Y-axes are for amateurs.” Our presence here will question the status quo and redefine the meaning of “presenting data.” Less is indeed more, right?
A satirical look at this situation would not be complete without addressing the elephant in the room, the ongoing defamation lawsuit between Dominion Voting Systems and Fox News. The perfect timing of the network just adds to the hilarious nature of the situation, even though it might seem like an awkward time to boast about their trustworthiness.
In a purely hypothetical interview, Hannity responded as follows when asked about the lawsuit: “You know, I’ve always believed in the power of positive thinking. Consequently, I think it’s crucial to emphasize our reliability to the rest of the world, especially now that we are in the midst of a high-stakes legal conflict. It’s a process known as manifesting, my good friend.”
Carlson added, “Look, if we can make people believe in a 148% trustworthiness rating, then I’m sure we can convince them that our coverage of Dominion was completely legitimate.” It’s all in how you spin it, baby.”
One thing is clear: Fox News has not only solidified its reputation as a pioneer in the field of percentage bar graphs but has also given aspiring satirists a veritable gold mine of material to work with. And for that, we will be grateful until the end of time.
