Little Rock, AR — In a match made in tabloid heaven, eccentric actors Gary Busey and Randy Quaid have announced they will marry in a small ceremony in Arkansas, lit solely by tractor headlights and attended by 100 close friends, including the voices in their heads.
“Love knows no bounds,” Busey, known for his roles in films like “Point Break” and bizarre appearances on reality TV shows, exclaimed. “It’s like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute and landing on a sea of Jell-O.” Busey then took a break to argue with a nearby fire hydrant, which he claimed was sending him “judgmental vibes.”
Randy Quaid, best known for his role in “Independence Day” and his viral Twitter rants against “Star Whackers,” couldn’t contain his excitement.
“Getting married to Gary is like finding a pot of gold at the end of a double rainbow,” he explained before accusing the rainbow of being a government spy apparatus.
According to sources close to the couple, they met at a UFO convention where they both spoke as keynote speakers. Busey argued that aliens are “intergalactic travel agents for the soul,” while Quaid signed tinfoil hats and expounded on avoiding invisible Hollywood hit squads.
“It was love at first sight,” said some friends who asked to remain anonymous. “Or, at least, it was after Gary stopped insisting that Randy was a hologram and Randy stopped searching Gary for hidden microchips.”
Though most people associate weddings with love and unity, this particular union will include some unusual activities:
Instead of traditional vows, the couple will yell lines from their respective movies at each other, which Busey hopes will “scare off any evil spirits or IRS agents lurking in the vicinity.”
Wedding bands will be replaced with onion rings because Busey and Quaid believe onions have “magical properties,” such as “enhanced telepathic communication” and “the ability to see through time.”
The reception will feature a piata filled with conspiracy theory pamphlets and a musical performance by a jug band comprised entirely of alleged Area 51 escapees.
While some may think this marriage is strange, others believe it is a perfect match. “They understand each other in ways that most of us can’t even begin to comprehend,” Dr. Phil, who is expected to officiate the ceremony, said. “And by ‘comprehend,’ I mean that they speak their unique dialect of crazy that only they understand.”
The wedding is scheduled for an unspecified date because Busey and Quaid are concerned about “interference from shadowy forces.” Those planning to attend the wedding should not be concerned. Follow the flashing UFO lights and listen for sporadic yelling and laughter — proof that love knows no boundaries, no matter how far off the map you are.
