Sacramento, CA — History was made, and promptly questioned, this week in the stately portrait hall of the California State Capitol, as Governor Gavin Newsom ceremoniously unveiled The Abstract Apprentice, a Cubist rendering of President Donald J. Trump that now hangs solemnly (and slightly menacingly) among the state’s past governors.
The painting, an angular fever dream of yellow swoops, fractured eyeballs, and unmistakable golden arches, now holds court in the same hallowed corridor as such California icons as Earl Warren, Ronald Reagan, and Jerry Brown (the Younger and the More Weathered).
“Some figures get statues,” Newsom said, gesturing to the surreal visage of Trump’s Cubist double, “but here in California, we hang their essence on the wall and let schoolchildren ask the tough questions.”
And ask they did.
“I thought it was a warning sign,” said Joey Ramirez, age 10, on a Capitol field trip. “Like don’t eat too much fast food, or you’ll get geometry face.”
Indeed, while traditional governors are rendered in solemn, realistic strokes—stoic, oil-lacquered men who appear allergic to irony—Trump’s new portrait bursts like a migraine in a Crayola factory. His eyes are stacked. His tie seems to scream. And somewhere near his collar, the spectral heads of both Colonel Sanders and a Big Mac hover like chaotic guardian angels.
Dictator Vibes, But Make It Acrylic
Historians have long noted that authoritarian leaders often obsess over their image, commissioning endless statues and portraits to project immortality and vaguely divine jawlines. But The Abstract Apprentice breaks new ground by being the first known state-sanctioned depiction of a former president that appears to be in mid-sneeze, mid-tweet, and mid-cardiac event all at once.
“This is legacy art,” said Capitol tour guide Cynthia Mercer, who now includes the piece on her daily walking tour of California governance and aesthetic regret. “He may never have been governor here, but he has certainly governed a portion of our collective anxiety.”
Trump, who previously called a more traditional portrait in the Colorado State Capitol “purposefully distorted” and “the worst one, believe me,” has not yet commented on the California installation. Sources close to Mar-a-Lago say his blood pressure briefly spiked when he saw the McDonald’s logo, but calmed when he was assured it wasn’t a sponsorship deal he’d missed.
Newsom Curates the Madness
When asked why he personally greenlit the portrait, Newsom smiled in the manner of a man who just fed an entire live possum to a trapper and called it “circle of life.”
“This isn’t about honoring Trump,” the governor clarified. “It’s about reminding people that if you ignore climate change, mock vaccines, and live on Filet-O-Fish sandwiches, you might still end up on a wall—but not for the reasons you think.”
Sources close to the Capitol say Newsom personally insisted the painting match the size, frame, and formality of the other portraits, describing the decision as “a provocation in a gilded frame.” One legislative aide described it as “high-concept trolling disguised as tribute,” adding, “It’s like Banksy snuck into a state building with a glue gun and a PhD in American decline.”
The Capitol Reacts
Reactions from visitors have ranged from amused to alarmed. Some tourists assumed the piece was a placeholder. Others speculated it was part of an augmented reality exhibit gone wrong.
Legislative staffers remain divided. Some say the painting is a refreshing injection of postmodern political discourse. Others claim it is cursed, pointing to flickering hallway lights, unexplained echoing sounds of ketchup packets, and one intern who briefly slipped into speaking only in Truth Social syntax after gazing at the piece too long.
Still, Capitol officials remain confident the portrait will stay, at least until a future administration replaces it with something more palatable, like a granite sculpture of Elon Musk riding a bear.
It’s a masterpiece,” said one man in an American flag hoodie. “I don’t know what it means, but I feel like I need a Big Mac now.”