Grass Valley, CA — Local workers made a startling discovery when performing repairs on Grass Valley’s seven-story tall sinkhole on Freeman Lane. While shoring up and placing supports at the foot of the sinkhole, a Sarlacc suddenly appeared from below devouring three workers and two earthmovers in a matter of seconds.
“It was frightening, but amazing as shit,” said foreman Jared Jarman Binkson. “The hole just suddenly opened again, and there was these teeth and tentacles. My equipment fell in and got munched by the thing. Also three of my guys, god rest their souls” The names of the workers who were consumed are being withheld pending notification of next of kin.
Both the Pentagon and Department of Homeland Security were notified to and are in route to the site.
“It’s really weird to think that Liberty Motors got swallowed by a giant underground creature, instead of being a victim of bad plumbing, erosion, and lack of maintenance, like we were told by authorities” said local resident, Amy Dala. “But it’s, like, way cool that a Sarlacc is living in our town.”
In the meantime, university researchers from UC Berkeley and Stanford rushed to the site. “This is the most exciting discovery since Bigfoot was determined to be a Wookie,” said UC Berkeley, Department of Biology senior researcher, Gail Ackbar, PhD. “We all thought that the Sarlacc was the creation of George Lucas, and his third “Star Wars” film, which was actually the sixth episode in the series, but he must have known somehow that these creatures actually existed and put these into his Star Wars universe like breadcrumbs for us to discover.”
“Not so fast,” said Stanford researcher, Al Duran, PhD., from the Department of Paleontology. “We need to determine first if this is actually, in fact, a giant sandworm. The taxonomy of the creature might lead one to think that the creature originated on Tatooine, but its phylogeny clearly points to a Dune origin.”
While the researchers continued to wrangle over the creature’s physical features and ancestry, local residents have been alerted to not go anywhere near the site. The Grass Valley Sheriff’s Department has put up extra barriers on all sides until the National Guard and Homeland Security arrive.
Upon catching wind of Grass Valley’s fantastic creature, LucasFilmâ„¢ and Walt Disney Productions have rushed location scouts and production consultants to the scene. Film industry representatives have been trying to gain access to evaluate the site’s suitability as a movie set, but have been thwarted by the Sheriff’s Department from getting too close.
Disney Productions has sent up drones to survey the hole and its newly emergent resident.
“If we could use this site for an on-location shoot, and use an actual Sarlacc in the next movie” said Disney Production Executive, Cal Rissian, “we could save millions in CGI alone!”
