Origins of Funky Smell at Sacramento Goodwill Yet to Be Found

Sacramento, CA — Thrift store enthusiasts and bargain hunters at the Goodwill outlet on Alhambra Blvd were met with a pungent mystery this week as an unidentified stench permeated the aisles, leading to rampant speculation and nose-pinching among patrons.

Despite the store’s reputation for selling an eclectic array of items, from slightly-used sofas to the occasional questionable kitchen appliance, the origins of the funky smell have left even the most seasoned thrifters baffled.

Long-time shopper Aggie Murphy, 67, expressed her concerns with a dramatic flair, “Honey, I’ve sniffed out bargains from here to Reno, but this scent? It’s got a life of its own. I thought I found the culprit when I stumbled upon a 1970s fondue set, but the stink prevailed. It’s like a blend of blue cheese and disappointment.”

Meanwhile, 22-year-old college student and thrift store aficionado Kyle Ramirez shared his conspiracy theory.

“I’m telling you, it’s a strategic move. The stench is clearly an avant-garde aroma therapy to slow down the shoppers. You spend more time questioning your life choices, and boom. You buy that neon green armchair nobody wants.”

Store manager Linda Grayson appeared visibly distressed while juggling air fresheners and customer complaints.

“We’ve turned this place upside down–checked every pair of vintage jeans and sniffed every Tupperware from the ’80s. The source remains a mystery. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack, except the needle stinks.”

Regional Manager Bob Henderson, who admittedly hadn’t visited the store since the last solar eclipse, offered a less-than-reassuring comment via a Zoom call from his office 200 miles away.

“Odor? What odor? Our stores are known for their delightful array of gently used items and… occasional vintage aromas. Perhaps it’s the scent of a rare, antique perfume? Yes, let’s go with that.”

As the search for the elusive stench continues, the community remains hopeful, if not a bit wary. One thing, however, is clear: the smell may be unidentified, but the memories (and the nose-twitching) will linger for quite some time.

Roy Riffle
Roy Riffle
Our youngest columnist, Roy Riffle gained fortune, though not necessarily fame, when at 9 years old he coined the phrase "Obey Your Thirst". Some of his smugness stems from "having read the bible and understanding the metaphors." Roy is currently the only Millennial on Gish Gallop payroll. And hopefully the last.

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