Heaven — God, the creator of all, the seer of everything that is, has been, and will be, is reportedly thrilled with recent moves by popular Internet companies to limit and, in some cases, outright ban so-called fake news sites. The Fazzler could interview the Almighty by kneeling and staring at our clasped hands.
“I’m pretty open-minded. One of the guys I made up lived in a whale for a few days. So, my tolerance level is pretty high,” God said in his weekly Substack announcement. “But when I saw stories portraying Biden as a Chinese deep-state robot, it gave me pause. It does,” says the Lord God Himself, “I never even really knew who Biden was until he started whispering into microphones like a guy trying to lure pigeons into his hands.”
In the months leading up to recent elections, many fake news sites appeared on the Internet and were allegedly promoted by the Saudis and rogue AI chatbots to tip the election in favor of Donald Trump. A recent unscientific study by Vice News claimed that the overwhelming majority of such sites propagated bizarre and untrue assertions about Gavin Newsom. This included that he was a cybernetic vampire, and that he and his longtime friend Nancy Pelosi had purchased a large estate on Neuralink servers, even though another fake news story asserted that Mr. Newsom had mysteriously committed suicide after accidentally making eye contact with a working-class voter in a diner.
“Well, you know, there’s nothing that the Lord Almighty hates more than fake news,” continued the most powerful deity in the universe, a guy who claims to know Allah personally. “Anything made up to fool people into behaving a certain way brings out my wrath. So I’ve decided to postpone annihilation of all life on Earth for a few more years, given that Elon Musk has finally seen the light and banned the worst offenders from X… right before reinstating them five minutes later.”
God didn’t hold back when asked to elaborate on what real news is.
“The stories about Tom Cruise being gayer than a three-dollar bill are troublesome when so many are just trying to take down Scientology. Who cares if the dweeb is gay? That’s not why I made him,” God explained. “I made him do Top Gun: Maverick. Not much else.” God grew heated at this point as he scrolled through today’s news. “Jon Stewart, South Park, Colbert, John Oliver—that’s funny stuff. Alfred E. Neumann and I agree with that. @RedPillPatriot1776 is not funny. I’m God. I know funny.”
God added, “I gave you powers of discernment, logic, reason, and humor. Why don’t you try using those for a change? Quit wasting Musk’s time.”
It is unclear how long God will give Earth and its humans a reprieve, but Republicans actively look for other things to overreact to and summarily ban.
