Springfield, OH — A Haitian immigrant’s cat reportedly ate a local Trump supporter. The incident, which occurred last Tuesday (or possibly Wednesday—nobody’s entirely sure because this is Springfield, Ohio), has sent shockwaves through a particular part of the population that believes this is yet more proof that we are living in a dystopian nightmare where animals have sided with the Democrats.
The cat in question, a seemingly normal tabby named Mitaine (French for Mittens, because, of course, its name is Mittens), allegedly attacked local resident Dale after what can only be described as a political debate gone terribly, terribly wrong. Witnesses say Dale and Mitaine were arguing over the results of the 2020 election, a topic that, for some reason, still gets brought up in Springfield even though we are now comfortably in the year 2024 and should really have moved on by now.
“Mitaine just snapped,” said one local bystander who wished to remain anonymous (possibly to avoid being dragged into future cat-related controversies).
“One minute, they’re arguing about Dominion voting machines, and the next, Dale’s yelling about the deep state while Mitaine is, well, eating him.”
Springfield’s Rational People Are, Predictably, Over It
Not surprisingly, this latest incident has triggered a media frenzy that even the town’s more reasonable residents are getting pretty sick of. Local librarian Karen Thompson summed it up perfectly.
“It’s a cat, people. Why are we talking about this? We should focus on more important things, like how it takes five extra minutes to get anywhere because the roads have more potholes than Swiss cheese.”
Karen has a point. This is the same town that recently spent an entire week arguing over whether or not the traffic lights at Main and 5th should blink or stay solid. (For the record, they now blink and stare and remain silent, depending on the mood of the lights.)
Jerry Miller, a Springfield mechanic who wants to change the oil in peace, chimed in: “Look, I haven’t watched TV in days because of this. My wife’s obsessed with it. I just want to know when we’ll stop pretending this is news and start talking about real issues—like why my cable bill is now $15 higher for no reason.”
But Not Everyone Is Ready to Move On
Despite the growing chorus of reasonable folks who believe the world has officially gone mad, some Springfieldians are convinced this is just the beginning of a much larger plot. Trump supporters, ever on the lookout for new things to be outraged about, have rallied around this cat-eating-man scandal like it’s their own personal version of “Watergate.”
Local conspiracy theorist Steve Marshall (who owns more MAGA hats than anyone should legally be allowed to) was quick to blame the Democrats.
“This is a classic Democrat move,” he said. “First, they steal the election, and now they’ve weaponized house pets. You think Mitaine just happened to be a cat? No, that’s too obvious. This was a planned attack. Probably orchestrated by Hillary herself.”
Another Trump supporter, Beverly Daniels, took it one step further.
“I heard Biden personally trained Mitaine to attack people who question the election. This is what happens when you let Democrats run the country—they send in cats to finish off their enemies. I bet there are sleeper cats all over Ohio right now, just waiting for their orders.”
Mitaine Stands His Ground
Mitaine, for his part, has maintained a firm position that the attack was purely self-defense. His legal team, led by a lawyer who specializes in cases where animals are accused of eating people (a surprisingly niche market), claims that Mitaine had no choice.
According to an official statement from Mitaine, “Dale wouldn’t stop ranting about the deep state, and honestly, I’m a cat. My patience has limits. I did what any reasonable tabby would do—I ate him.”
Springfield authorities are still investigating the incident, though sources close to the investigation say there is little chance of a conviction, given that Mitaine is a cat and, historically, cats don’t care about our legal system.
For now, the town remains divided. Some residents believe this is just the latest example of how our country has completely lost its mind, while others are waiting to see if the Democrats will deploy more cats to silence their opponents. In the meantime, Mitaine is laying low, enjoying his newfound fame, and, according to unconfirmed reports, preparing to launch a Kickstarter campaign for a memoir titled Purr and Resist: My Fight for Democracy.
