Tehran, Iran — Forget diplomacy. Forget sanctions. The most sophisticated form of international warfare has just been discovered: exploding PlayStations. Reports are trickling that some of Iran’s top officials have had their beloved PlayStation 5 consoles spontaneously combust, leaving them both shocked and, presumably, one level short of beating Call of Duty.
For the rest of Iran’s population, who can’t even afford to dream about a PS5 (or, you know, bread), this news might as well have come from another planet. One that isn’t wracked by economic sanctions, inflation, and periodic blackouts. But for Iran’s elite, this is serious. We’re talking about leadership-level grief here. Move over nuclear negotiations—their high scores were obliterated by exploding controllers, and now that’s the real crisis.
Let Them Play Call of Duty (Until It Blows Up)
The irony, of course, is not lost on anyone. While everyday Iranians struggle with food shortages, the lucky few in power face their own hardships, like figuring out how to smuggle the latest PlayStation into a country where sanctions make even basic goods hard to find. You know, typical dictator problems.
Apparently, PlayStation 5s are harder to come by in Iran than a functional electric grid, but the ruling class found a way to get their hands on them. Because when you’re a top official in Tehran, why not indulge in a bit of gaming between cracking down on dissidents and ignoring the people’s suffering? After all, it’s a tough job, and nothing soothes the mind like a good game of FIFA—until your console decides to stage its own protest and explodes in your living room.
Sabotage or Faulty Wiring? Either Way, the Struggle is Real
Naturally, Iran is blaming Israel for these mysterious PlayStation explosions. Because who else would dare tamper with the sacred gaming experience of high-ranking officials? Israel, they claim, sabotaged the consoles as part of a wider strategy of technological warfare. Forget drones—this is Call of Duty: Real-Life Sabotage.
But, to be fair, some less paranoid explanations have been floated. One is that these consoles, imported through the world’s most expensive and convoluted black market (because when you’re a regime official, why not?), might have suffered from the minor issue of “non-standard electrical grids.” You know, the kind that fries anything more advanced than a toaster. One source close to the regime, who spoke anonymously, whispered, “Honestly, if they’re not playing Pong, it’s probably a risk.”
The People’s Response: Wait, What’s a PlayStation?
As news of the exploding PlayStations reaches the public, the consensus is… confusion. Most Iranians have never actually seen a PS5 in the wild. “Is that the thing my cousin in Europe talks about?” one man asked, blinking in disbelief. Another commented, “Exploding? I thought they were just impossible to find, like meat.”
For most people, the thought of their leadership spending time playing video games is as alien as, well, getting through a day with reliable electricity. “They have time for Call of Duty? I’m still trying to figure out how to boil water with no gas,” grumbled one woman from Tehran, clearly unimpressed by her government’s tech-induced plight.
Official Response: This Means War (on Bad Electronics)
Naturally, the Iranian leadership has responded to this “attack” with the seriousness it deserves. According to sources inside Tehran, a new government task force has been established to determine just how these consoles could have been sabotaged. This will probably take as long as it does to ignore the sanctions, so don’t hold your breath.
Meanwhile, Sony has remained conspicuously silent. Maybe they’ve decided it’s not worth getting into a political spat over a few overheating PS5s. Or maybe they’re just waiting for the smoke to clear—literally.
International Reaction: Shock and… Wait, Seriously?
Across the world, the reaction has been a mixture of bemusement and disbelief. When asked to comment, U.S. State Department officials said they were “monitoring the situation closely” and made no further statement, presumably because even they couldn’t keep a straight face.
Russia, always ready to stir the pot, offered its support—by reminding Iran that “Soviet-era consoles” never exploded, mostly because they didn’t exist. “The only thing we ever fried was Tetris,” said one Russian official, adding that maybe Iran’s leadership should downgrade to something simpler. “We could send them a few Sega Genesis units—those things are indestructible.”
The Future of Gaming in Iran: AyatollahBox, Anyone?
Rumors are swirling that, in response to this gaming catastrophe, Iran might develop its own homegrown console: the AyatollahBox. Government insiders are reportedly toying with the idea of a “state-approved” gaming system that wouldn’t suffer the indignities of foreign sabotage. It would come preloaded with thrilling titles like Supreme Leader Kart Racing and Sanctions Simulator. Fun for the whole regime.
