There’s a saying in finance: When one group wins, another loses. The key is making sure the winners have the microphones and the losers are too busy digging through the wreckage to object.
So, it makes sense that America’s most enthusiastic Trump supporters aren’t hedge fund managers or suburban retirees with “Thin Blue Line” bumper stickers slapped onto their lifted trucks.
No, the real economic optimists of 2025, according to an exclusive Department of Homeland Security (DHS) report, are migrant detainees.
The people currently locked in ICE detention centers.
They love the tariffs. They adore the corporate tax cuts. The stock market is looking solid. And according to the DHS poll, 72% of detainees say economic growth under Trump is “strong”—a stunning show of support from people currently being held against their will in privately owned cement boxes.
One detainee, sitting on the floor of a crowded holding cell, summed up the general mood:
“I mean, that pinche puta locked me up for nothing because I’m an American citizen—I was born in Prescott, you know. But some of his economic plans, like the tariffs on our friends and stuff like that, I think that’s just sound economic policy, you know? Hit them where it hurts, you know?”
He leans back against a concrete wall. The fluorescent lights buzz overhead.
“Hey bro, any chance you can take these handcuffs off and bum me another smoke?”
Poll Results: “Morale Remains High!”
According to DHS, morale among detainees is “better than expected.”
That’s because DHS recently conducted an internal survey on Trump’s economic policies, distributed via crumpled napkins and a single golf pencil shared between 312 people.
The results were, of course, a smashing success:
- 99.8% of detainees say they support Trump’s economy—though in the fine print, they were given only two options:
✅ “Yes, Trump’s economy is great!”
✅ “I love this country and want to show appreciation by saying Trump’s economy is great!” - 61% believe GDP growth in Q2 was ‘probably good,’ though none of them have had outside contact in months.
- 37% tried to vote for ‘Please Let Me Out’ but were told that wasn’t an option.
One detainee, an electrician from Houston, reportedly asked, “Wait, are they just tallying up our screams?” before being ushered into a “Voluntary Economic Study” holding cell.
Trump took to Truth Social to celebrate the results:
“The numbers are in! Even the illegal people—who, frankly, should not be here—LOVE what we’ve done for America! Many of them VERY UNFAIRLY detained. But still, they support the tariffs! Tremendous stuff!”
And just like that, the headlines were rewritten. Not “hundreds of U.S. citizens wrongly detained.” Not “record ICE abuses under Trump.” Just: “Detained Migrants Say Economy Is Strong.”
“Work Your Way Out”
When you’re locked in a cage, you start looking for ways to earn your way out.
That’s what Elon Musk wants, anyway.
Through a new ICE-Tesla partnership, detainees can “work off” their sentence by assembling AI chips in Tesla’s state-of-the-art “Freedom Assembly Lines.”
“This is true efficiency,” Musk declared, unveiling the plan during a livestream held in front of his Twitter-branded private jet.
Instead of relying on taxpayer money, migrants can fund their own detainment by assembling SpaceX rocket parts for the incredibly fair wage of $0.08 per hour—payable exclusively in Dogecoin.
But Musk’s biggest innovation? TornadoCoin™ for detainees.
“The biggest problem with immigration is a lack of liquidity,” Musk said, pacing across a neon-lit stage like a man who hasn’t slept in four days.
That’s why he’s introducing ‘Freedom NFTs’—digital assets that allow migrants to trade their detention credits on the blockchain.
- Every hour worked = One ‘Freedom NFT’
- Collect 1,000 NFTs = Your deportation trial gets scheduled six weeks earlier
- Lose your password? Your sentence resets to zero.
Musk’s first “Get Out of Jail Free” NFT sold for 12 Ethereum to a Saudi investor who just liked the art.
Private Prisons Declare Detention “Great for the Economy”
It turns out wrongfully detaining U.S. citizens is actually good for the stock market.
At least, that’s according to a new Heritage Foundation report, which found that:
- Private prison stocks have skyrocketed, fueling a bullish market.
- Local businesses near detention centers have thrived thanks to the increased demand for zip ties, processed cheese slices, and bulk orders of toothpaste.
- Detainee labor has added an estimated $340 million in “unofficial” GDP growth—which economists say is “not technically slavery.”
The White House responded, stating that “every wrongful detainee adds another 0.0002% to Q3 GDP growth, so really, it’s a win-win for everyone involved—except the detainees, obviously.”
The Final Punch-line
Somewhere in an ICE detention center, a wrongfully detained U.S. citizen from Prescott, Arizona has been hearing all of this from the guards’ radio. The talking heads, the Wall Street reports, the political panels.
And he’s still in handcuffs.
He rattles the cuffs a little. Rolls his shoulders.
“I mean, that pinche puta locked me up for nothing,” he says, cracking his neck. “But yeah, the market’s looking strong.”
He sighs.
“Hey bro, any chance you can take these cuffs off and bum me another smoke?”