New York, NY — Jesus Christ has officially distanced Himself from Mayor Eric Adams after the embattled city leader repeatedly invoked His name in political speeches, deflections against federal investigations, and at least one regrettable Easter Sunday sermon.
Heavenly sources confirm that Adams, whose administration is currently under scrutiny for alleged campaign finance violations and eyebrow-raising international dealings, has been flooding the celestial inbox with urgent prayer requests, most of which, Jesus says, boil down to “Lord, smite my political enemies and make this FBI thing go away.”
“Look, I forgive sins, not subpoenas,” Christ said in an uncharacteristically candid interview. “This is not how prayer works.”
Despite this, Adams has persistently used the Bible as a diplomatic tool, seeking to divert attention from federal investigations towards his profound (and well-timed) Christian faith.
“God put me here,” Adams has insisted in recent public statements, “and only God can remove me.”
To which Jesus has reportedly responded, “Don’t tempt Me.”
The Divine Cease and Desist
After weeks of watching Adams invoke His name in press conferences while ignoring the more inconvenient teachings of Christianity—such as humility, honesty, and caring for the poor—Jesus officially filed a cease-and-desist order against the mayor.
“I didn’t come down here to be a political strategy,” Christ sighed. “Do good things quietly. Don’t perform religion for an audience. And for the love of Me, don’t use My name like it’s a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card.”
Despite the celestial rebuke, Adams doubled down, reportedly attending three different church services in one day and publicly announcing that God had personally chosen him to lead New York City.
Witnesses report that at that exact moment, a street preacher down the block was struck by lightning, which analysts believe was meant for Adams but got redirected due to high-rise interference.
Eric Adams: Shadow Banned
After receiving one too many desperate prayer voicemails, Jesus took the unprecedented step of blocking Adams’ number.
“I really tried to be patient,” Christ explained. “But the man prays like he’s filing an insurance claim. ‘Oh Lord, cover my damages and erase my legal liability.’ Sir, that’s not what I do.”
Records from St. Peter’s office indicate that Adams’ prayers had already been flagged as spam weeks ago but continued arriving at an alarming rate.
“He was calling at all hours, leaving these dramatic voicemails,” an angelic staffer confirmed. “‘Jesus, if you’re listening, please give me strength against my enemies.’ Bro, your enemy is the Southern District of New York. I don’t think they take divine orders.”
Having no other option, Jesus officially relegated Adams’ prayers to the celestial junk folder, guaranteeing they would end up in voicemail for the foreseeable future.
The Official Heaven Yelp Review
In a final, devastating move, Jesus logged onto Yelp and left a one-star review for Adams’ leadership.
“Would not recommend. Uses My name for political gain but mysteriously absent when it comes to acting with humility or honesty. Claims to represent the working class but eats like a hedge fund manager. Prays at Me, but never listens to Me. 1/5 stars—at least he doesn’t golf.”
The review was later removed for violating Yelp’s policy on ‘Divine Interventions.’
With Adams continuing his religious grandstanding while NYC’s problems (including rent hikes, budget cuts, and an actual rat czar) spiral further into absurdity, God Himself is reportedly holding an emergency meeting to reevaluate whether the city is still worth it.
“I mean, I love New York,” the Almighty reportedly told angelic staffers. “But first Giuliani, now Adams? Maybe it’s time to start over.”
While insiders confirm that a full-scale flood is still on the table, alternative solutions are being explored, including:
- A mild locust infestation focused on high-end brunch spots
- Turning the Hudson River into blood, but only for finance bros
- One (1) very large and very specific lightning bolt
Heavenly sources stress that no decision has been finalized, but if NYC elects another charlatan in 2025, a hard reset may be imminent.
Jesus Prays Back
In an unprecedented reversal, Jesus has taken the rare step of praying to the people of Earth.
“Please, I am begging you,” He pleaded. “Just once, can you elect someone who doesn’t clutch a Bible like it’s a golden ticket whenever they get caught doing shady stuff?”
The plea was met with hesitant murmurs from the crowd, as New Yorkers realized they might actually have to take accountability for their voting habits.
“We’ll… think about it,” one voter reportedly muttered, before stepping into a subway car and pretending not to hear the homeless man asking for help.
The Final Warning?
As of press time, Adams was seen attending yet another church service, once again insisting that he is on a divine mission.
He was immediately hit in the head by a pigeon.Heavenly sources confirm that Jesus, watching from above, gave a satisfied nod.