Senator Chuck Schumer Calls Tesla Vandals ‘Patriotic Tourists’

Says They Were ‘Just Admiring the Engineering’

Washington, D.C. — Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer referred to a recent wave of Tesla dealership vandalism as the work of “patriotic tourists” who were merely “admiring the engineering up close—perhaps a little too up close.”

Schumer’s remarks come in response to growing tensions between Tesla enthusiasts, anti-tech populists, and those still bitter about Elon Musk’s Twitter antics. When asked whether the smashed windows and spray-painted Cybertrucks constituted an act of domestic terrorism, Schumer scoffed.

“Oh, come on, folks! These are just hardworking Americans who got a little excited. Maybe they leaned too hard on a Model S. Maybe they mistook a charging station for a socialist conspiracy. Who’s to say?” he shrugged.

When pressed further, Schumer doubled down.

“Look, you ever seen a Tesla up close? That glass practically invites bricks. And honestly, isn’t the real crime that these cars don’t come with AM radio anymore?”

Republicans called Schumer’s remarks hypocritical, causing shockwaves in political circles. Former President Donald Trump was quick to respond.

“This is terrible! Terrible! They’re wrecking the Teslas! These are beautiful machines! Elon is a friend! A very good friend! Maybe not as good a friend as he used to be, but still! These people? They’re not tourists! They’re ANIMALS!” Trump declared at a Mar-a-Lago press event, standing in front of what appeared to be a half-unwrapped Cybertruck.

Meanwhile, Tesla CEO Elon Musk took a different approach, tweeting: “They just misunderstood. We encourage all feedback, even the kinetic kind. Please, next time, use Dogecoin for your protests. #CyberVandals”

As bipartisan confusion grows, conspiracy theorists are reportedly debating whether this is all just a ploy to force people back into gas-powered cars, while local Tesla owners have started camouflaging their vehicles to avoid becoming the next “patriotic tourist attraction.”