Calgary, Canada — Speaking from his home town late Sunday night, Texas Senator and once hopeful 2016 Presidential candidate Ted Cruz arbitrarily declared that gravity is oppressing our religious freedoms.
“Gravity has always been an oppression on Christians more than everyone else,” announced a rambling, yet oddly confident Senator Cruz during his late night press conference. “The burden is always on Christians to set the world straight. And we are tired, really tired, of gravity been shoved-down our throats by so-called ‘science.’ Today, the pro-gravity scientists are the equivalent of the flat-Earthers. It used to be [that] it is accepted scientific wisdom the Earth is flat, and this heretic named Galileo was branded a denier. And Benghazi. Let’s not forget that.”
Cruz went on to say that “there has been no proof that gravity exists whatsoever for hundreds of years. I mean, we feel it, but how do we not know it’s God’s invisible hand holding us down.”
Despite the obvious backwards comparison of himself to Galileo who was persecuted by the Church and not by Scientists, observers claim that his pronouncement should play well to gullible Americans who vaguely recall that Galileo was some rogue character like former Vice Presidential candidate and occasional drunk Sarah Palin.
“I believe Ted,” said Carl Rennie of Grass Valley, CA. “He’s not afraid to call-out these bullies. Just like Sarah [Palin] did. And he loves God. And people who love God have a lot more at stake if they don’t tell the truth.”
According to sources close to the Cruz campaign, he plans raising doubt over the legitimacy of Integers followed by a long tirade on the evils of “a good breakfast.”
