Austin, TX — A new study from the Population Research Center, based out of the University of Texas at Austin, strongly correlated the defunding of Planned Parenthood with a rise in unwanted pregnancies, causing conservative leaders to wonder if there might be a connection.
After slashing public funding to Planned Parenthood in Arkansas, Alabama, New Hampshire, Louisiana, North Carolina, and Utah, Republicans have expressed shock and confusion at the resulting consistent increase in pregnancies among poor and young women.
“It’s almost as if Planned Parenthood was providing affordable, quality health care options to poor women regarding their reproductive choices,” pondered Alabama state Senator Slade Blackwell, his eyes clouding over as he thought before shaking his head violently. “I can only assume all these new babies mean Planned Parenthood would have murdered them if we didn’t cut their money off. BOOYAKASHA! Win for Jesus!” he shouted, pumping his fist.
However researchers controlled for access to birth control in counties that retained their Planned Parenthood facilities and compared the results to counties that lost theirs, finding that abortion rates were not affected, and that losing local access to choices such as birth control pills and intrauterine devices (IUDs) was a significant and direct contributor to new babies in homes below the poverty line.
Conservative radio host and recovering drug addict Rush Limbaugh attributed the change to a lack of morality on the part of women, mostly the women getting pregnant, but really women overall.
“This is what happens when you raise a generation of sluts who think the government should do everything for them,” Limbaugh barked, “stop relying on pills to improve your lives and practice self control.”
But the overwhelming sentiment among conservatives was confusion over why birth rates are again climbing in areas where Planned Parenthood have been defunded.
“We just don’t get it,” complained conservative activist Misty Smith of Roseville, CA. “Every time we shut down a Planned Parenthood, poor people’s lives get worse. There’s got to be a reason, we just need to figure out what it is. Someone should do a study,” she said, fanning herself with the Austin-based study. “Why is it so hot in here? What were we talking about?”
An anonymous source at Planned Parenthood expressed exasperation. “It’s RIGHT HERE,” she said, referring to the new study as she collapsed into a folding chair. “2 + 2 = 4. Cigarettes cause cancer. Ben is Glory, Glory is Ben. What the hell is wrong with these people?”
