Reporting from Tunkhannock, PA by Michael Stephen, The Man with Two First Names.
Tunkhannock, PA — A recently declassified surgical report has confirmed that Donald Trump’s brains were indeed blown out during an assassination attempt earlier this year. While initially dismissed as a fake news story invented by “the radical left and big showerheads,” the medical community has since weighed in with an alarming revelation: his brains were blown out, but, shockingly, it seems no one noticed for months.
The report, obtained by The Fazzler (and definitely not printed off from a Kinko’s), suggests that Trump has been operating on a concerning lack of grey matter—both figuratively and literally—since the incident. Surgeons reportedly confirmed that the empty cavity in Trump’s head had been stuffed with various artifacts, including a gold-plated commemorative Trump steak and a signed copy of “The Art of the Deal.”
“I’m Funnier Than Biden, Smarter Than Harris, and Probably Still the Best at Bowling.”
Despite this, Trump has not slowed down on the campaign trail, launching into ever more bewildering and incoherent tirades that seem to have delighted his base and deeply concerned the rest of the population.
In a recent speech in Des Moines, Iowa, Trump delivered the following statement while holding a shoe (no one’s sure where he found it):
“You know, Kamala Harris, she’s like 20 years younger than me, which—by the way—totally unfair. I’m the youngest 78-year-old you’ll ever meet. I run laps around everyone. When I was in the White House, they didn’t even let me nap. Can you believe that? They’re scared of my energy. Biden sleeps through entire meetings with aliens, believe me, I’ve seen it. We’ve had aliens running our foreign policy for years, but nobody wants to talk about that. But they’ll tell you I’m the crazy one!”
The audience, a mix of devout Trump supporters and deeply confused corn farmers stood silent for several moments before breaking into raucous applause.
“Kamala Harris Was Raised by Werewolves. And Don’t Get Me Started on Windmills!”
If there were any doubts left about the extent of Trump’s post-assassination condition, his latest comments from a rally in Florida put those to rest.
“Kamala Harris, Kamala—does anybody really know where she came from? The moon, probably. I heard rumors. Some say she was raised by wolves—actually, werewolves, the kind that howl at the moon. You know, real werewolves. Folks, I know werewolves. I’ve had many dealings with them. Not great people, frankly. Very bad for business.”
While the connection between werewolves and the Vice President was not immediately clear, Trump continued undeterred, pivoting without warning to another of his favorite topics:
“And those windmills, folks, they’re killing our birds and our economy. Kamala Harris and Biden want more windmills. I say, enough with the windmills! I’ve got people—great people—working on it. We’re going to replace all windmills with what I call ‘TrumpFans,’ big fans, very classy, and they’ll blow wind right back at the liberals! Kamala doesn’t stand a chance.”
“I’m Still Handsome, OK? Even Without My Brains.”
At a recent campaign event held on the lawn of his Mar-a-Lago estate, Trump made several bizarre remarks about his physical appearance, including a jab at his supposed “superiority” over Kamala Harris, who at 59 is “practically a toddler compared to me, folks.”
“Look, Kamala Harris can jog all she wants, but I’m still the best-looking man in politics. Everyone says so, believe me. I’ve got the best doctors, they’re the best, and they said I’m in amazing shape—amazing shape. My brain? I don’t need it. Never have. I’m like a shark. Did you know sharks don’t have brains? Incredible animals. I feel a deep connection with sharks. The ocean loves me, folks.”
A recent CNN poll showed 42% of voters are now more concerned about Trump’s mental state than ever before, with 58% wondering if he actually is a shark.
“I’m the Future! Kamala Harris Is the Past! And Don’t Forget About Greenland!”
In his grand finale, Trump declared, with the conviction of a man who just realized he’d lost his car keys, that “Kamala Harris is stuck in the past, but I’m the future! I’m the future, folks. And you know what the future is? Greenland. We’re going to buy Greenland. No one talks about Greenland anymore, but we’re gonna make Greenland great again!”
Political commentators are now scrambling to make sense of this statement, with some speculating that Trump believes Greenland is an extension of his “beautiful and perfect” scalp.
As Trump continues his brainless march toward the 2024 election, one thing is clear: the post-assassination version of Trump is somehow weirder than the pre-assassination version. Meanwhile, surgeons remain baffled that anyone survived without a brain for this long, although one unnamed source confessed, “Honestly, we thought this had been going on since 2016.”
