In the aftermath of the East Coast port strike’s peaceful resolution, many middle-class Americans are waking up to the unsettling reality that they’ve hoarded enough toilet paper to outlast several apocalyptic scenarios. With consumer prices down, unemployment at a cozy 4.1%, and the stock market soaring, here are ten brilliant ways to put those rolls to good use. Because, let’s face it, you’ve probably got more Charmin in your garage than Costco has in stock.
Number 1: Build a Cozy TP Fortress. Who needs overpriced throw blankets and furniture when you can assemble a mansion of quilted two-ply in your living room? Invite friends over for an evening of fort-building and nostalgia, but watch out for the inevitable wine spills on your precious throne!
Number 2: Neighborhood TP Fights. Forget the water balloons and nerf guns. Launch into a spontaneous TP battle with your neighbors. Perfect for settling disputes over who parked where and who forgot to bring the recycling bins back.
Number 3: Craft the Ultimate Election Propaganda. Paint your excess rolls red, white, and blue, then slap “Make America Great Again” all over them. Toss them on your lawn as impromptu campaign signs because why waste money on placards when you’ve already got an arsenal of politically charged paper artillery?
Number 4: Bathroom Bling for the Holidays. Drape your halls with TP this Christmas, or spin it into streamers for your next big backyard BBQ. With inflation down, your toilet paper decor will be the ultimate statement piece, an irony-laden salute to the good ol’ days of hoarding.
Number 5: Emergency Gift Wrapping. In a pinch? Don’t sweat it. That pack of 96 rolls you impulse-bought can now wrap an army of birthday presents or act as “filler” for Amazon boxes when you just don’t want to buy bubble wrap.
Number 6: New Insulation for the Bunker. Is your conspiracy bunker lacking the cozy warmth needed for your future exile from society? Line the walls with your precious TP, and rest assured that no cold front—or government surveillance—will break through.
Number 7: DIY Sports Equipment. Roll up your toilet paper into tight wads and create a makeshift soccer ball. Or better yet, set up a neighborhood TP bowling league. Extra points for making bowling pins from old Lysol cans left over from the pandemic!
Number 8: Fashion a TP Wedding Dress. In case the wedding industry collapses (again), just unroll a few layers, grab a glue gun, and voilà—instant bridal couture. Walk down the aisle in a cloud of soft elegance, and you’ll be the talk of the apocalypse!
Number 9: Endless Kid-Friendly Craft Projects. TP roll binoculars? Check. Makeshift crowns for your miniature rulers of the household? Check. You may never run out of art supplies again—your children will thank you…or despise you for it when their high school yearbook highlights their TP-laden upbringing.
Number 10: Host a “TP the Trump Tower” Event. Now, we’re not endorsing vandalism here, but hypothetically speaking, what better way to recycle that surplus of TP than to strategically redecorate certain political landmarks? Just saying.
As we reflect on this peculiar historical moment, the hoarding madness, fueled by misinformation and hysteria, reminds us that consumerism and fear often outweigh reason. Even with solid economic numbers, unemployment down, and the stock market glowing, some folks are still prepping for an apocalypse that isn’t coming—armed with nothing but mountains of toilet paper.
