Gaza City — Former President Donald J. Trump took to the stage last night before a raucous crowd of loyal supporters. The event, ostensibly a rally for some as-yet-unidentified campaign, quickly devolved into a series of increasingly bizarre accusations, culminating in the bold claim that the Biden Administration is solely responsible for the soaring price of eggs in Gaza.
“Folks, you won’t believe this,” Trump began, waving his hands like he was conducting an orchestra composed entirely of conspiracy theories. “Our beautiful, tremendous farmers here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. are suffering. They’re suffering because the price of eggs in Gaza is through the roof! And who do we have to thank for this? Sleepy Joe and Kamala ‘Laughing’ Harris.”
The crowd, captivated by Trump’s impeccable grasp of international agricultural economics, roared in approval. Somewhere between the chants of “Lock her up!” and “Four more years!” a lone chicken farmer from Iowa could be heard muttering, “Wait, what?”
Trump continued.
“You know when I was president, a Big Mac cost $5.75. Now? Who knows? It’s like $20. And let me tell you, folks, this is all connected. It’s all part of a huge, nasty plot by the Democrats to make sure you can’t enjoy a simple American meal or afford eggs in Gaza. And don’t get me started on the milk prices in Timbuktu. Disgraceful!”
At this point, many attendees seemed to realize they’d either missed a crucial news report or that Trump’s train of thought had jumped the rails entirely. But no matter—their unwavering loyalty ensured that any logical disconnect was merely a minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of MAGA-fied enlightenment.
Pundits and political analysts have quickly weighed in on Trump’s latest assertions. Tucker Carlson dedicated an entire segment to “The Great Egg Crisis,” nodding solemnly as he suggested that the Biden Administration’s failure to manage global poultry markets might be part of a sinister plot to distract Americans from Hunter Biden’s laptop.
In response, the Biden Administration released a statement this morning.
“The President and Vice President Harris are deeply committed to addressing the real concerns of American citizens. As for the price of eggs in Gaza, we believe Mr. Trump’s comments may be a bit… scrambled.”
For her part, Kamala Harris laughed off the accusations with her trademark chuckle.
“If President Trump is concerned about egg prices in Gaza, perhaps he should also look into the cost of falafel in Fresno and hummus in Houston. We’re open to all culinary crises.”
Meanwhile, the fallout from Trump’s speech has been swift. Grocery stores report a run on eggs, with residents fearing a shortage may soon reach their refrigerators.
“I never cared about Gaza before,” said one Pennsylvania resident, clutching a dozen eggs like gold bullion. “But if Trump says it’s important, then by golly, I’m stockpiling!”
As the rally drew to a close, Trump’s parting words were a call to arms for his supporters to stay vigilant.
“We’ve got to keep an eye on these Democrats, folks. If we don’t, who knows what they’ll mess up next? What is the price of bagels in Brooklyn? The cost of bratwurst in Berlin? It’s a dangerous world out there.”
