Mar-a-Lago, FL — As Oklahoma residents clawed through the wreckage of their homes and emergency crews scrambled to rescue survivors from the aftermath of a devastating tornado outbreak, President Donald Trump delivered a strong and decisive response from the 18th hole of his signature Mar-a-Lago golf course.
“I was monitoring the situation very closely,” Trump assured reporters, while carefully assessing a tricky four-foot putt. “Some are saying, actually, that it’s the most hands-on disaster response ever done by a president on a golf course. Maybe in history. And you know what? I believe them.”
Though at least 40 people were confirmed dead and hundreds of thousands were left without power across the Midwest, the president took a moment to celebrate what he called “a truly tremendous weekend” at the Mar-a-Lago Member-Guest Invitational, where he claimed victory over an 82-year-old retiree from Boca Raton. “A total legend,” Trump said of his competitor. “But at the end of the day, I just played better. The people of Oklahoma, they get it.”
The Free Market Will Fix It. (Terms and Conditions Apply)
As the president collected his tournament trophy—an 18-karat gold statue of himself giving a thumbs-up, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), helmed by Elon Musk, issued its own statement regarding the federal response.
“Traditional FEMA aid is slow, inefficient, and totally lame,” read the official DOGE memo, which was posted exclusively on Musk’s social platform, X. “That’s why we’re launching TornadoCoin™, a blockchain-based disaster relief fund where storm victims can earn crypto rewards every time they prove they’ve lost a home.”
Musk later explained in a livestream that qualified disaster survivors could submit proof of hardship by uploading before-and-after photos of their property to an AI-powered verification system, which would reward them with fractional ownership in a new SpaceX Mars colony.
“It’s not just about rebuilding; it’s about rethinking survival,” Musk said before unveiling an NFT featuring a pixelated image of a destroyed Oklahoma barn. “Limited edition. Only 500 available.”
A ‘Tremendous’ Disaster…Response
Meanwhile, Trump doubled down on his administration’s efforts, emphasizing that his personal focus and discipline were unparalleled.
“Look, I had a tough game today. A really tough game. Very strong winds. Some are saying, ‘Sir, isn’t that like what happened in Oklahoma?’ And I say, well, maybe, maybe. But the important thing is, I kept my head in the game,” Trump said. “And that’s the lesson here. These people need to be strong, they need to focus, and they need to win, just like I did.”
While emergency responders in Oklahoma continued sifting through debris, Trump and his supporters gathered in the Mar-a-Lago dining hall for a disaster strategy meeting, which coincided with the club’s five-course filet mignon dinner. Attendees included Peter Thiel, who proposed a “Libertarian Disaster Zone” where survivors could rebuild without the burdens of federal regulation, and Jared Kushner, who suggested leasing sections of Oklahoma to Saudi investors for “strategic development.”
Vice President JD Vance, present via Zoom from an undisclosed Ohio bunker, offered to pray for victims and vowed to look into reports that the storms may have been caused by “woke wind turbines.”
Storm Victims React
Back in Oklahoma, residents expressed a mix of shock and confusion over the government’s response.
“I lost my home, my truck, and half my town,” said Jake Collier, a lifelong Tulsa resident. “And they’re offering me…crypto?”
“It just doesn’t make any sense,” added Marla Jenkins, who said her house was completely destroyed. “FEMA hasn’t even shown up yet, but I got a push notification from DOGE telling me I’ve unlocked a ‘Resilience Badge’ and that if I refer a friend, I can earn 0.00001 TornadoCoin.”
Despite criticism, Trump remained optimistic about the government’s handling of the crisis, assuring the public that everything was under control.
“The media won’t tell you this, but people of Oklahoma are actually very happy,” Trump insisted, gesturing toward a well-dressed couple sipping champagne at the Mar-a-Lago bar. “We have a beautiful club here. Really beautiful. And the awards dinner was fantastic. The people of Oklahoma, they’d love it.”
As of Monday morning, storm victims were still waiting for tangible aid. Meanwhile, DOGE announced the launch of a limited-edition “Survivor” Tesla Model X, which can be purchased with TornadoCoin and comes equipped with solar panels, an AI-powered survival assistant, and a preloaded playlist of Elon Musk singing “Rocket Man.”
“We’re thinking ahead,” Musk said in a closing statement. “They don’t need homes. They need disruption.”