Macon, GA — In a rambling speech at a recent Macon, Georgia rally, former president and aspiring two-time comeback kid Donald Trump announced his bold new vision for American governance: appointing Twitter as Press Secretary.
“I’ve spoken with Mr. Twitter, who’s done a tremendous job, folks, let me tell you,” Trump said, clearly referring to Elon Musk, the guy who took Twitter and turned it into an homage to his tech bro daydreams. “I think we should replace the press secretary with the Twitter. People love Twitter. It’s fast, efficient, maybe too fast. It’s a genius idea, really.”
The idea, seemingly hatched from the same place where Trump stored his nuclear codes—his golf locker—marks his latest proposal to revamp the White House. Under the new plan, reporters won’t have to suffer through press conferences with “fake news” journalists in stuffy rooms. Instead, news outlets would receive their talking points via tweetstorm, complete with emoji responses (🤯 for breaking news, 💯 for tax cuts, and 😡 for any discussion about classified documents).
When asked what role Musk would play, Trump had glowing praise.
“Mr. Twitter is a genius, okay? And he’s going to fix everything. We’re going to downsize. Nobody understands downsizing like him—he fired, what, half of Twitter? That’s government efficiency, folks. Elon knows how to get things done.”
Critics have pointed out that Trump seems unaware of Twitter’s rebranding as X, but in typical fashion, he bulldozed over the detail.
“They can call it X, Y, or Z—it’s all the same. People know it as Twitter. It’s the real deal. X sounds like something the Clintons came up with, if you ask me.”
When questioned about how a social media app could handle the demands of White House press briefings, Trump gestured vaguely toward his smartphone and added, “You press send, boom, news. What’s so hard about that? The Twitter does it better than any of those—what do they call them—real people?”
He also doubled down on his claim that Musk would streamline the government. “We don’t need all these departments, all these ‘people.’ Just Twitter. And a couple of my Truth Social posts. Together, we’ll save America!”
