National News

In a joint partnership between Huntington Ingalls, General Dynamics and the popular adult products store Adam & Eve, the United State Government has built the world's largest sex toy.

Executive Producer Ryan Seacrest (b. 1974 Ryan Epstein) said he was disappointed that the E! Entertainment Network failed to pick up his latest show Selfies with the Kardashians, and criticized the television network for "not giving it a real chance."

In light of the recent terrorist attack in Paris, France, and the possibility more might come, The United States' premiere fighting force, Team America: World Police departed for France early Thursday morning.

The objective is to persuade the oligarchs to pressure Putin to halt the war and starve elites of salad dressing and other condiments.

In a confounding turn of events, Home Depot, refuge of the suburban handyman, now peddles rainbow-hued 2x4s, dubbed PridePlanks, in select West Coast locations. As outraged traditionalists gasp in horror, Zoomers revel in the chromatic wonder. Meanwhile, a bridge forms between conservative shoppers and exploited migrant workers, united in their bewilderment. Progress, as it seems, marches on, leaving a trail of disgruntled bigots in its wake.

A Wisconsin man with a long history of sexually abusing horses was recently arrested again by the Brown County Sheriff's Office, for you guessed it, sexually assaulting horses.

Bert DeVos, a member of a billionaire family that has spent hundreds of millions of dollars donating to Republican candidates over the years, told senators that she believes some schools may need to allow guns on their campuses because they live in wooded, rural areas and may need to fend of a bear attack.

Fox News astounds with a 148% trustworthiness rating in a recent ad, showcasing a math-defying bar graph. Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity defend the network, downplaying the need for traditional percentage limits and emphasizing their unique approach to news reporting.