Jesse Derpwitz is a landscaper in Alabama. He is a veteran of the US Army, where he served as a cook for the 4th Infantry Division, and every 4th of July, he gets increasingly angry that people use it as a long weekend instead of a time of remembrance.
In a surprise announcement, the National Security Agency or NSA will conduct and publish all Press Releases in Haiku according to Deputy NSA for Strategic Communications Ben Rhodes. The move appears to be an effort to make the oft-criticized security agency look hip, modern and less onerous with regards to personal liberty.
Trader Joe's, one of the largest privately held specialty grocery stores in the United States, has announced plans to offer child adoptions at select locations around California.
Following the stunning win of the Indianapolis 500, Alexander Rossi revealed the secret to his success: hemp oil. The 24 year old Nevada City, CA native said he's been using a hemp oil fuel mixture for over 2 years with great success.
Pepe the Frog, beloved mascot of the alt-right movement, was inadvertently sauteed and consumed at Ike's Quarter Cafe in Nevada City yesterday afternoon. Pepe, whose avatar is used by many commenters on 4chan, Reddit, and Breitbart News, was sitting in the outdoor terraced dining area when he was approached by the busser, Tyler "Earbud" Fulcrum.
In a joint partnership between Huntington Ingalls, General Dynamics and the popular adult products store Adam & Eve, the United State Government has built the world's largest sex toy.
Executive Producer Ryan Seacrest (b. 1974 Ryan Epstein) said he was disappointed that the E! Entertainment Network failed to pick up his latest show Selfies with the Kardashians, and criticized the television network for "not giving it a real chance."
